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Paternal Peer Review of Charlie Sheen's Maternal Analysis

Written By Bill Hourly on Monday, June 22, 2015 | 1:44 PM

In a recent analysis, Charlie Sheen drew a sharp distinction between the maternal accomplishments of his ex-wives, Brook Mueller and Denise Richards.  His assessment makes clear that he regards Mueller as the more accomplished of the two (though confusingly, comparing her to a class of musician often associated with mind-altering substances and irreparable hearing loss by the age of 30). In fact, his critique of Richards went so far as to categorize her as an an ungulate who not only engages in religious heresy, but whose best days are clearly behind her.  Whether the last portion was in regards to her abilities as a mother or an actress was not made clear by the rather vague, but scathing review.

LAPD Cop car breaks down: Cop calls Uber

The popularity of Uber (an app/website-accessible hub that gives users access to a private, taxi-like system when they need a ride) has really surged in previous months.  This has provided a stream of revenue for Uber drivers, as well as given people the option to find rides at more affordable rates, and in vehicles whose interiors don't smell like a fat man's sweaty armpit on a hot summer day.

While Cab companies aren't too happy, Law Enforcement seems to be benefiting from this new innovation.  One example is Officer Jim T Bagger who, when responding to a domestic violence call, realized his car wouldn't start.

Obama Actually White - Republican Approval Skyrockets

Written By Bill Hourly on Tuesday, June 16, 2015 | 10:55 PM

Obama comes out as white

Hot on the heels of Rachel Dolezal's "white scandal," Barack Obama has openly stated that he too, is white.  Reactions among various demographics remain mixed, except one: Republicans.  Since coming out as white, Republican approval ratings of the President have surged from 14% to 48%, a rate that's unheard of across partisan lines like this.

Rachel Dolezal: 'How in the Hell was I supposed to Know I was White?'

Image From Twitter
Rachel Dolezal recently sat down for an exclusive interview with Outhouse Daily to address the wave of backlash that has caused her to resign from her position with the NAACP. She feels that people are not being fair in their criticism of her character, and says that she would never have purposely misrepresented herself. 

"This was an honest mistake. I've got curly hair and I tan easy. How was I supposed to know what race I am? Do I look like a genealogist to you? It's not like I walk around all day checking my DNA. Only an idiot would lie about something like that and expect not to get caught."

She went on to say that she feels that she's being unfairly targeted because she was once identified as a women of African American decent. 

"Even if I was lying, this is an outrage. This is America, I can be any damn race I want. It's the 28th Amendment. This is oppression in the highest form, and it's everything I have fought so hard against.One day last year, after I smoked a bunch of pot, I thought I was Chinese for like an entire week. Nobody said a damn thing to me. All of the sudden this is some huge deal."

Dolezal says that she doesn't know what her future holds, but says she can still make a difference in the community to improve racial relations. 

"Becoming white again has really been an eye opening experience. I got like 100 pre-approved credit cards and Banana Republic coupons in the mail, the next day. Now that I've found out I'm white there seem to be all kinds of avenues open to me. I just applied at the Ku Klux Klan. I've got experience in the racial relations field, so it's a move that makes sense."

Caitlyn Jenner inspires new class of Brony: Pegamisters

Written By Bill Hourly on Monday, June 15, 2015 | 6:05 AM

Pegamisters are the New Bronies

Caitlyn Jenner's brave public crossover has paved the way for meeker souls, also looking to express their cross-gender feelings.  This courageous and unprecedented deed of acting on a compulsion one has had for decades has raised the bar and forever redefined the meaning of the very word "Courage" (there is talk of rewriting "Call it Courage" so that Mafatu transcends gender lines).  This act has not gone unnoticed by another misunderstood  group of unsung heroes: The Bronies.

Bronies, for those who are too busy being stuck inside a bigotry-reinforced bubble of 80's button-downed conservatism to know, are non-traditional fans of My Little Pony.

Caitlyn Jenner Story Causes Boom in Gender Reassignment Business

Written By Bradley J. Berger on Friday, June 5, 2015 | 12:38 PM

As Caitlyn Jenner’s story has stirred the national debate about gender roles and gender awareness, it seems that it has also caused something a little unexpected, the dramatic spike in people electing to have the surgery. It has gotten so busy in fact, that some doctors have been struggling to keep pace with all of the new requests.

Los Angles base Doctor Edmund Thompson says while it has been difficult to keep up with, he’s happy that he’s helped enrich so many people’s lives.  

 “I’m cutting down more wood than an Alaskan lumberjack,” said Doctor Thompson. “It makes me wonder what kind of business the doctors with real medical licenses are doing. No one wants to be a man anymore. Everyone knows that we’re all assholes. It’s been great for business. If you were ever thinking about it, now’s the time.

“For guys that may not be have been considering it, now might be the time to start thinking about having it done. You really don’t know how big of a pain in the ass your penis is until it’s not there anymore, then you’re like, ‘why didn’t I do this is the first place.’ It’s no worse than getting your tonsils removed and it will save you a lot of grief down the road.”

Emily from Manhattan elected to have the surgery almost right after watching the show. She says that life has been better in more ways than she expected.

“I’m over being a man,” she said. “I was tired of being treated as an equal in the workplace and being able to wear sweatpants to the grocery store without worrying about someone grabbing my ass. It’s my turn.”

This trend has even carried over for women looking to transition to men. Tammy from Burbank says she’d been thinking about the surgery for a long time, but it wasn’t until she saw Caitlyn Jenner’s interview with Diane Sawyer that she decided to finally take action.  

“I still wear women’s clothes and makeup and everything like that,” said Tammy. “I just wanted a penis because there was too much maintenance involved with a vagina. People that don’t have one really can’t understand that. Forget the bleeding for 7 days a months, try sitting down in a public restroom every time you’ve got to take a leak. It’s disgusting. I’ve effectively turned myself into a cross dressing man. My only complaint is that having a huge set of sweaty balls is more work than I signed up for.”

When asked if she had any regrets, Tammy says that her only regrets were having to tell her loved ones.

"Showing up one day with a huge throbbing wiener between my legs really scared the crap out of my boyfriend. I probably should have warned him about it beforehand, but I was afraid he was going to try to talk me out of it. He got over it pretty quick when I turned him over and showed him what I could do with my new handy, little appendage. He didn’t walk right for a while but he loved every minute of it.”

 
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