James Kisten, a 47-year-old Texas native and proud member of the Kux Klux Klan has recently decided to go public with his outcry against unfair racist labeling.

"So the other day I got a reply to the 7th "look Obama is a monkey" chain email I sent that day and my liberal sister replied, calling me a racist.  But why am I a racist?  Because I love America?  Because I believe in the Constitution? Really, I just think she's bitter because I would never let her date a black guy.

"I would in fact say that the N****rs I work with are the racists because they don't laugh when I throw the N word around.  For one, I don't exactly say it everyday and if these guys ever listened to rap they'd know that N****r rappers sorta use this word too, so why can't I?  So really, all this "racist" accusation is nonsense.  I'm just a good American boy whose objectively tired Obama's policies, and I wish N****rs didn't think I was racist just because I don't like Obama.

When asked if he felt that the confederate flag shirt, hat and tattoos might also give the impression that he was a racist he replied,  "The Southern States aren't racist at all and the Civil War was really about States' Rights not slavery.  People lose focus on that.  The South simply wanted more sovereignty for the States and less federal involvement.  And take this situation with illegals coming here from South America and other parts of Mexico. They think they can come here just because their ancestors crossed the Asian-American border 13,000 years before Europeans arrived here and enlightened them.

"But in fact, Southern states like Texas worked hard to get the federal government to act on behalf of the States and earning the Southwestern states by taking it from the B*****s and increasing the number of slave-owning states.  In fact, I'd say Mexicans still owe us reparations for the cost of that war."

Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly took on Dick Cheney in a heated debate in her show on Wednesday.  The debate centered around a recent column by Cheney,  published in the New York Post.  The column was critical of President Obama's handling of the Iraq War, which Cheney feels like fed into the current uprising of the militant group Isis.  The debate surprised many industry insiders because of Fox New's long standing policy to blindly supporting conservative values and candidates. 

Here are some excepts from the interview:  

Cheney: Yeah, sorry about all that.  I was pissed off at the time.  It was all pillow talk, like when you're really drunk and trying to get a girl into bed.  With a stiff dick you're liable to say anything.  We had a real hard-on for Saddam so we did what we had to.  But wait a minute, you guys made up just as much insane bullshit as we did.  Half time I'd flip on Fox News and be like, 'Goddamn. I wish I would have thought of that.' 

San Francisco, CA: Panic set in this morning as Facebook users across America attempted to log in, and were greeted with a message stating that the social media giant was unavailable.   The outage only lasted 20 minutes, but many found it difficult to cope with the realities of a world without social media.  Many upset users were forced to find alternate means of communications.

Lexus, a 20-year-old college Junior, says that the outage made her life unnecessarily difficult and that Facebook owes its users an apology.

"I had to like, call my mom today to wish her a happy birthday," said Lexus.  "It was literally, like, an absolute nightmare.  She wanted to talk forever about how things were going in school and she like, kept asking me about my professors and if I was doing alright and blah, blah blah.  She told me she loved me.  O-M-G!  It was like I fell asleep and woke up in the 90's.  Yuck!  Talking to people is so overrated.  That's what Facebook is for!  Facebook really pissed me off this time."

Micheal Di Carlo also struggled to adjust during the outage.  He says his morning routine was ruined because of the difficulties he had trying to communicate with his friends.

"I worked out this morning and couldn't exaggerate the results and post them to my wall.  What a wasted workout.  Facebook really let me down.  How else am I going to feed my ego and try to get people to like me?  I had an inspirational quote by some dead philosopher I never heard of, and a picture of my new spray-tan all ready to go.  I had to call all of my friends one-by-one and tell them how awesome my massive biceps are.  It really sucks that Facebook can't get it's shit together."

At least one user doesn't believe Facebook is responsible for the outage.  Terry Dale says that there may be more at work than a downed server.

"Do you really expect me to believe that Obama is not behind this?  I guess my constant stream of anti-Obama posts finally got to him."  

 

The San Fernando Valley School of Medicine has released the findings of a year long study regarding the effectiveness of various forms of contraception.  The study involved 300 men, ages 18-35, from all income levels and ethnic backgrounds.  The research involved extensive field testing of the most popular birth control methods and statistical analysis of national heath records. 

Top 10 Most Effective Forms of Birth Control 2014:

1. Rear entry 
2. Pulling out at the last possible second
3. Being an asshole that no one wants to have sex with
4. Oral sex 
5. Hand jobs
6. Sex with other men
7. Sex with women over 75
8. Sex with a vacuum
9. Binge drinking and passing out
10. Warcraft T-Shirts

Lead researcher Martin Henry feels the public needs to be aware of the all the risks before deciding on a method of contraception.  He hopes this study will be a useful tool for those looking to prevent unwanted pregnancies.

"We hope that this study will help to reduce the growing number of unwanted children being born everyday in the US," said Henry.  "The more informed people are, the easier it will be to curb the issues at hand.  Take me for example.  I've done it in dark allies, the back seat of a stranger's car and in the bathroom at Denny's.  Hell, I even once made love to six hookers and a homeless man in Vegas.  I've always felt that condoms are too expensive, and take away from the overall experience. That's why I've never used one. Yet I feel safe. Why? Because I chose the back door.  I hope that this study opens people's eyes and helps to reduce some of the high risk behaviors they may be currently involved in.  Anal sex is safe, clean and every bit as effective of giving you a quality orgasm."

Image credit: “Doctors at the General Assembly” by Waldo Jaquith – Creative Commons license

After news broke of the $2 billion offer for the L.A. Clippers (a team valued at only $600 million) owners of professional teams around the United States are taking a note from Donald Sterling’s page and releasing racist and hate filled tapes to drive up the value of their franchises.

Jay Z, owner of the Brooklyn Nets, just released a tape stating how much he hated white people.  When asked about the tape, Jay Z stated “I have always hated white people, but didn’t realize I could become richer by telling everyone that. Fuck all you crackers!!!  That comment just raised the value of my team by $10 million.  I plan to release another tape shortly going off on Jews.  I am thinking that will make me another $50 million, easy.”

"Even since I released those guys I've got people all over the world sending me emails trying to trade stuff to get their friends and associates out of prison.  Some of it is pretty good stuff.  One guy offer me his entire collection of Vintage Bob Marley Concert shirts to let his serial rapist uncle out of prison in Kentucky.  Who could I say no to that?  It would take me forever to find those on the internet.  Yeah, releasing those five dangerous terrorists was only the beginning for sure.