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Burglars Sue ADT in Class-Action Lawsuit

Written By Bill Hourly on Monday, April 27, 2015 | 3:20 AM

ADT is the named defendant in a class-action lawsuit representing thousands of out-of-work burglars.  The lawsuit claims that ADT has made it impossible for many burglars to properly do their jobs, forcing them to look for work in other industries. 

Sarah Palin: "I'm running against Obama in 2016"

Written By Bill Hourly on Wednesday, April 22, 2015 | 3:02 AM

Following up on a series of public comments, Sarah Palin has recently announced plans to run in 2016.  When pressed further, she announced:

I am running for the good of the country.  I am running against Obama.  This man must be prevented from winning yet another election and taking more of our guns and religious freedoms.  From the writing of Constitution in 1776 until his election in 2007, this had been a Christian nation.  I want my country back!

When asked if she understood that Obama was not eligible to run, as term limits do not allow a 3rd run for President, she replied:

Ya know, don't believe everything ya hear in the lamestream media. And Obama has already broken the Constitution on many occasions.   When he ran on Hope and Change, no one hoped he'd change the Constitution.  Next thing you know, he'll probably change the Bible.

When asked who her running mate would be, Palin began naming several names no one in the press room seemed familiar with.   It was later pointed out that she was naming characters from Clinton Eastwood movies and the old TV series, Bonanza.

50 Shades of Grey: Required reading for CA Middle School Students

Written By Bill Hourly on Wednesday, February 25, 2015 | 2:29 AM

A California middle school has drawn criticism from activists due to a controversial reading assignment.    Students were required to read 50 Shades of Grey and write a 2-page summary.  Children who read all 3 books and wrote a 3-page summary were given automatic A's.

The middle school teacher, James McCaskill, who also happens to be a priest at the neighborhood Catholic church, St. Augustine, was unavailable for a full interview but when asked if 50 Shades of Grey was really appropriate reading material for children he responded:

Adrian Peterson Talks About his New Gig at Parenting Magazine

Written By Bradley J. Berger on Wednesday, November 19, 2014 | 2:59 PM

Adrian Peterson met with the media yesterday to announce that he will be joining the Parenting Magazine staff as a contributor. He says that he's looking forward to putting the past behind him and taking the next step in his career.

"I'm out of work right now so I'm thankful for the chance to repair my public image. I'm a changed man. I would have never allegedly beaten my children mercilessly, or I bragged about it to my friends, if I had know they can kick you out of football for that. All of my baby's mothers, both present and future, know I have my kids best interest in mind."  

Peterson went on to say that he's taken steps to change himself for the better. He feels that the progress he's made has given him a clearer understanding of what he needs to do to avoid any future legal problems.

"I'm just not going to pick up the phone when their mothers call. I'll still send child support checks and all that. I might even talk to 'em over the phone, if they can catch me between autograph signings. I'm just going to avoid seeing them as much as I can. Problem solved."

Peterson says he brings a new perspective to the Parenting Magazine staff and feels that readers will connect with his viewpoints.

"Reason and patience are overrated when it comes to parenting. One of my counselors said that I should take the time to get to know my kids and understand their feelings. I'm no child psychologist but the switch allegedly seemed to work just fine to me, not that I condone that sort of thing. You know what I'm sayin'?"


White House Security: Secret Service to be Replace by Nightclub Bouncers

Written By Bill Hourly on Monday, September 22, 2014 | 12:00 PM

Secret Service and the recent White House Break In
In response to a recent incident where a lone individual was able to hop the White House fence and gain entrance to the White House armed with a knife, President Obama has decided to begin looking at other sources of security.  Further investigation reveals that Secret Service agents responsible for guarding the White House were engrossed in a heated game of Minecraft.

George Zimmerman to give Speech in Ferguson, MO.

Written By Bill Hourly on Wednesday, September 3, 2014 | 12:59 AM

Recent events in Ferguson, MO have inspired many people from around the US to travel to the "Show Me State."  One of the most recent and surprising  announcements is that George Zimmerman would also be traveling to Ferguson to give a speech and help improve the situation.

Despite numerous attempts, the OHD staff was unable to get a hold of Zimmerman for an interview, but did confirm that he would be traveling to Missouri.  The staff was able to get a hold of one of Zimmerman's representatives for a Skype interview.
 
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