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Man Rescued from Jungle after 15 Years Watches One Episode of the 'Real Housewives of New Jersey' then Promptly Returns to Jungle
Written By Bradley J. Berger on Friday, November 8, 2013 | 4:43 PM
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| Photo by Earwig |
San Diego, CA- Hours after being rescued from a remote stretch of beach off
the coast of Chile, crash survivor Robert Milton has decided that he had rather
live amongst dangerous, man eating predators than deal with the realities of
living in 2013.
He made this decision after sitting through an episode of
the Bravo hit TV show The Real Housewives of New Jersey. In 1998 Milton was a passenger in dual engine plane that crashed over Chile coming back from a humanitarian mission in a remote village near San Pedro. Milton and 17 other passengers were
presumed dead. With no survival training, Milton beat the odds and managed to
stay alive for nearly 15 years until being discovered by a development company
looking to turn the remote island into an offshore brothel.
It seemed like a joyous day until Milton watched the Housewives program. After it was over, Milton stripped his clothes off
and issued a brief statement before hiking off a Coast Guard rescue station and
disappearing in the jungle. Milton said
that what kept him going was the hope of someday being rescued but didn't
consider that the world would become a festering shithole.
"When I was lost in the jungle, I was attacked by a
jaguar and had to fend it off with a rock and a stick. Rats would chew on my friends bodies every
night. Swarms of bugs would fly in my mouth and my eyes and choke me when I tried to
sleep. There were huge, blood sucking bats and leeches. I thought that was the most inhumane torture a person could bear. It was how I envisioned hell. That was until I heard those women talking on that television program. It was then that I understood what true torture really is.
"I flipped through the channels and it was all
the same. I thought for sure there would
be advancements in science, medicine and agriculture. Instead there was someone called Snookie
taking shots of tequila and dancing on a bar. 2013 can kiss my ass."
Rescuer Mellissa Turnball says that over the course of an
hour she saw Milton’s mood slowly change.
"He was all smiles when we first picked him up. Then that show came on the TV in the break room. He just looked at me and said, 'What the hell
is this?' I thought he was really into it because he just stared at the screen
eating a donut for like an hour. I was wrong.
When it was over he just got up, told us all basically too piss off and
the next thing I knew he was walking straight back into the jungle. I don't know what his problem is. I DVR that show."
Man Mistakenly Given Gender Reassignment Surgery
Written By Bradley J. Berger on Wednesday, November 6, 2013 | 8:58 AM
South Dakota: An Aberdeen area man recently went in for routine wisdom tooth removal surgery and was mistakenly given a gender reassignment. Lester Wallace, a 32-year-old construction worker from South Dakota, was more than a little surprised when he woke to find that he was no longer a man. The surgery took place February 24th at the Dakota Plains Surgical Center hospital in Aberdeen."It took some adjusting but I got used to it," said Wallace. “It’s sort of a bother shaving my legs and sitting down to use the bathroom but I can’t complain I guess.”
“Without question, leaving my wife and kids was hard but it was the right thing to do. I’m not a lesbian. I’ve always been very religious and I don’t think that sort of thing is right in God’s eyes.”
Maurine Jacobs, the surgeon who performed the surgery, says she’s embarrassed about the mix up.
"I'm sorry," said Jacobs, “someone apparently mixed up the charts. I thought it was a little weird because I’ve never done that kind of surgery before. I just assumed it was something to do with hospital cutbacks. It's not my job to question. On a positive note, it actually turned out pretty well. His vagina looks better than mine.”
The hospital has recently filed a lawsuit against Wallace due to unpaid medical bills.
“We are aware that the surgery was not his idea but our doctor’s time isn’t cheap. The client basically just expects us to foot the bill for this. If you walked into a car dealership and someone mistakenly handed you the keys to a brand new Cadillac, would you just assume the car was yours?” said a hospital representative in a statement.
Michelle Obama Shows Bush to Support Women's Rights
Written By Bradley J. Berger on Thursday, October 31, 2013 | 5:52 PM
Washington-Michelle Obama has been an outspoken advocate of women's
rights and suffrage issues since her husband took office in 2008. The First Lady made a bold statement to gain
traction for women’s reproductive rights on Thursday, by displaying a lifelike,
Susan B. Anthony Vajazzling during an afternoon press luncheon.
"Isn't it beautiful?" the First Lady said. "I highly recommend that everyone gets Vajazzled. It makes a woman feel empowered and beautiful. I feel like a new woman. Susan B. Anthony is a symbol for women’s
rights and should be remembered and revered.
I feel that this is a perfect tribute to her legacy.”
Obama says that her recent addition has made a positive impact
on her life. She says that women shouldn't
be ashamed to do things that make them feel beautiful.
"If you want to build a house you need start with a
strong foundation. That’s why I turned
my vagina into a multifunctional work of art.
It went from being a Volkswagen Jetta to a 747. Barrack has made the most passionate love to me in every position you could
imagine, until I’m sore and pulsating from head to toe.”
When asked where she had the work done, Obama said that she
found the perfect place with a little help from a close friend.
“I went to this little shop in Brooklyn. Martha Stewart turned me on to it. Martha’s such a doll. She’s been doing this for years. I noticed hers one day while we out for a
round of croquet and she took her pants off to cool off. I was blown away by how confident and
beautiful she looked. I loved it so much
I went right out and got one the next day.
"I don't want any photos taken. I'm a lady."
President Obama Applies for Unemployment During Government Shutdown
Written By Bradley J. Berger on Tuesday, October 8, 2013 | 5:18 PM
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| Photo BJ Berger |
Washington D.C.-President Obama made a surprising move
today as he formally filed for unemployment assistance in the state of Maryland. As the government shutdown enters the 8th
day the President says he has given up hope that the parties will be able to
work out their differences and ratify a national budget. He says that the shutdown has left him no
other options to provide for his family.
“I’m at rock bottom,” said Obama. “I was already living paycheck to paycheck
so losing my job has been devastating. The American people act like they are the only ones suffering. We've
been forced to eat at the soup kitchen every night. I almost cried last week when Michelle made
Ramen noodles for dinner. She smiles and
says she doesn't care and that we’ll make it through somehow but I know how she really feels, ashamed.
“I’ve been on monster.com
all week sending out resumes. The job
market is so bad I haven’t gotten many callbacks. It’s a frustrating mess but I'm keeping my head up. I got an interview at Lowes
next week so maybe there’s still hope for turning things around. I just wish I would have put together some kind of a backup plan just in case this whole presidency thing didn't work out. Oh well. Hindsight is 20/20."
Man Sets World Record by Drinking 6.3 Gallons of Whiskey in a Single Sitting
Written By Bradley J. Berger on Tuesday, October 1, 2013 | 10:08 AM
"I practiced hard for this and I had a great training camp. My coaches pushed me to the limit everyday. I'd wake up early to drink every morning and I'd keep drinking until the late hours of the night. Just when I thought I couldn't drink anymore I'd push myself harder. I'm a doctor so this type of partying is just par for the course. This has been years in the making. I'm sorry, I didn't think I would cry."
Manzelli plans on taking time off to be with his family but is planning a full media tour in the coming months.
"Holy shit I'm drunk. Where are my keys? I've got to get home before my wife notices I'm gone," said Manzelli. "Is Oprah still on? If so I'm getting my drunk ass on a plane to sit down for an interview. I'm a legend now so I can do what I want. I just hope I don't shit myself."
Elementary School Riot Sparks Concern that Students Perhaps Aren't Getting the Anti-Bullying Message
Written By Bradley J. Berger on Thursday, August 29, 2013 | 10:39 PM
Norfolk, VA: A riot at Daniel Boone Elementary School leaves a wake of destruction as investigators work to reconstruct the events following a pep rally held in the gymnasium.First grader Tommy "Big Shoes" Murphy said he's not sure how the riot began but saw things quickly spiral out of control.
"The school was making us sit through another pep rally against bullying. The next thing I knew we were flipping over cars and shaving the principal’s head. It was our way of showing the establishment that they don't own us."
Although no one was seriously injured, one teacher was painted blue and another is being treated for wounds after receiving a vicious wedgie. Several cars were set ablaze. Initial estimates say the property damage could be in the millions.
Third grader Mikey Holman doesn't think know how the violence escalated but says he may have been responsible for the incident that sparked the riot.
"One of the presenters said something about standing up to a bully or something like that. That's when I went up and kicked Phil in the nuts. Things sort of escalated from there. It was all fun and games until they released the dogs and the tear gas."
The National Guard was called into to restore the peace. Additional arrests are expected to stem for the incident.
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