Adrian Peterson met with the media yesterday to announce that he will be joining the Parenting Magazine staff as a contributor. He says that he's looking forward to putting the past behind him and taking the next step in his career.

"I'm out of work right now so I'm thankful for the chance to repair my public image. I'm a changed man. I would have never allegedly beaten my children mercilessly, or I bragged about it to my friends, if I had know they can kick you out of football for that. All of my baby's mothers, both present and future, know I have my kids best interest in mind."  

Peterson went on to say that he's taken steps to change himself for the better. He feels that the progress he's made has given him a clearer understanding of what he needs to do to avoid any future legal problems.

"I'm just not going to pick up the phone when their mothers call. I'll still send child support checks and all that. I might even talk to 'em over the phone, if they can catch me between autograph signings. I'm just going to avoid seeing them as much as I can. Problem solved."

Peterson says he brings a new perspective to the Parenting Magazine staff and feels that readers will connect with his viewpoints.

"Reason and patience are overrated when it comes to parenting. One of my counselors said that I should take the time to get to know my kids and understand their feelings. I'm no child psychologist but the switch allegedly seemed to work just fine to me, not that I condone that sort of thing. You know what I'm sayin'?"

In response to a recent incident where a lone individual was able to hop the White House fence and gain entrance to the White House armed with a knife, President Obama has decided to begin looking at other sources of security.  Further investigation reveals that Secret Service agents responsible for guarding the White House were engrossed in a heated game of Minecraft.

Recent events in Ferguson, MO have inspired many people from around the US to travel to the "Show Me State."  One of the most recent and surprising  announcements is that George Zimmerman would also be traveling to Ferguson to give a speech and help improve the situation.

Despite numerous attempts, the OHD staff was unable to get a hold of Zimmerman for an interview, but did confirm that he would be traveling to Missouri.  The staff was able to get a hold of one of Zimmerman's representatives for a Skype interview.

Desert Hot Springs, CA - Known for it's skin-searing heat, history of UFO lore, and high concentration of meth addicts, DHS was recently the scene of an unfortunate accident.

James Kisten, a 47-year-old Texas native and proud member of the Kux Klux Klan has recently decided to go public with his outcry against unfair racist labeling.

"So the other day I got a reply to the 7th "look Obama is a monkey" chain email I sent that day and my liberal sister replied, calling me a racist.  But why am I a racist?  Because I love America?  Because I believe in the Constitution? Really, I just think she's bitter because I would never let her date a black guy.

"I would in fact say that the N****rs I work with are the racists because they don't laugh when I throw the N word around.  For one, I don't exactly say it everyday and if these guys ever listened to rap they'd know that N****r rappers sorta use this word too, so why can't I?  So really, all this "racist" accusation is nonsense.  I'm just a good American boy whose objectively tired Obama's policies, and I wish N****rs didn't think I was racist just because I don't like Obama.

When asked if he felt that the confederate flag shirt, hat and tattoos might also give the impression that he was a racist he replied,  "The Southern States aren't racist at all and the Civil War was really about States' Rights not slavery.  People lose focus on that.  The South simply wanted more sovereignty for the States and less federal involvement.  And take this situation with illegals coming here from South America and other parts of Mexico. They think they can come here just because their ancestors crossed the Asian-American border 13,000 years before Europeans arrived here and enlightened them.

"But in fact, Southern states like Texas worked hard to get the federal government to act on behalf of the States and earning the Southwestern states by taking it from the B*****s and increasing the number of slave-owning states.  In fact, I'd say Mexicans still owe us reparations for the cost of that war."

Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly took on Dick Cheney in a heated debate in her show on Wednesday.  The debate centered around a recent column by Cheney,  published in the New York Post.  The column was critical of President Obama's handling of the Iraq War, which Cheney feels like fed into the current uprising of the militant group Isis.  The debate surprised many industry insiders because of Fox New's long standing policy to blindly supporting conservative values and candidates. 

Here are some excepts from the interview:  

Cheney: Yeah, sorry about all that.  I was pissed off at the time.  It was all pillow talk, like when you're really drunk and trying to get a girl into bed.  With a stiff dick you're liable to say anything.  We had a real hard-on for Saddam so we did what we had to.  But wait a minute, you guys made up just as much insane bullshit as we did.  Half time I'd flip on Fox News and be like, 'Goddamn. I wish I would have thought of that.'