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Recreational Soccer Player Thinks he Still has Shot at Going Pro

Written By Bradley J. Berger on Thursday, January 9, 2014 | 6:16 PM

St. Charles, MO: 34 year old recreation soccer player Ralph Manzelli is still clinging to hope of playing in World Cup. Manzelli has been limited to playing recreational sports since his college soccer career ended in 2001. Although he never made it off the practice squad, Mazelli feels his hard work in a local coed recreational soccer league over the past few years has paid off. 

"I slid and took that girls legs out," said Manzelli. "The sound of the bone cracking and the way her knee buckled made it look really painful. You may call me an asshole, but I saved a goal so I'm happy with my decision. I'm a born winner so not making that slide was not an option. They know the risks when they sign up to play against me."

Manzelli says he's been thinking about playing in the World Cup for years but doesn't think the time was right until now.

"I train hard, eat right. We've been dominating the upper bracket for so long that I'm just bored.  People tell me relax and that it's just a beer league but that's bullshit.  I go hard every play.  This isn't kindergarten finger painting."

"The time is right for a change.  I've been sending out my highlight reel.  It's only a matter of time until I get on with a pro club."

Manzelli's teammate, Maggie Harris, says that not everyone is so confident of Manzelli's skills.

"He treats every game like the World Cup.  He's the worst player on the team and everyone hates him.  He posts all over Facebook about how much he works out and how good he is at sports.  He's nothing but a huge flaming dickhead that takes tries to fight all the girls."

Man Stuck on 3rd World of Original Super Mario Brothers for 27 Years Finally Finds Warp

Written By Bradley J. Berger on Thursday, December 19, 2013 | 10:27 AM

St. Louis, MO: When Bryan Robbers first set his eyes on the Nintendo Entertainment system is 1986 he was in awe.  Bryan was 6 years old. He played for endless hours.  He beat Zelda in a few hours, he mastered Kung Fu like an expert.  Like many kids his age he was instantly hooked. 

"I was only 6 when I started but I remember feeling such a sense of accomplishment every time I'd finish a level or beat a game.  Then I my dad bought me a copy of that mind-fuck of a shit-hole game.  That thing was forged in hell and shit out of the ass of Satan himself."  

The game was Super Mario Brother.  It was the source of countless happy childhood memories for most children of the 80's.  Not for Bryan. For Bryan it was the instrument that drove him to the edge of insanity for nearly 3 decades.  His life spun into a spiral of frustrated depression and obsession.  Try as he might, Bryan could not make his way past World 3 of the classic video game.

"Level 3-1 can suck my ass.  The Hammer Brothers are impenetrable assassins. Those assholes would take all my lives.  Then if I'd manage to get to Bowser, that cocksucker would shoot a fireball up my ass.  Whoever designed that game was a flaming shithead.  I could have gone to college and had a real life but I couldn't let that rotten bastard beat me.  I did it.  I finally won."

Even at 6-years-old, he obsessed over every detail of the game. He'd sit at school and plan every jump and map out every level.  He carried this obsession into adulthood, hoping desperately to devise a plan that would eventually bring him the closure he'd been craving since before he could remember. Every waking minute was spent plotting and scheming. Failure just fueled his obsession. 

And that was his life for the next 27 years...until yesterday.

"Nobody told me there was a fucking warp!  I could have just gone right by the goddamn thing the whole time. What a pile of shit. I hope the guy that designed this game lost the use of his testicles in a hunting accident."

Man Rescued from Jungle after 15 Years Watches One Episode of the 'Real Housewives of New Jersey' then Promptly Returns to Jungle

Written By Bradley J. Berger on Friday, November 8, 2013 | 4:43 PM

Photo by Earwig
San Diego, CA- Hours after being rescued from a remote stretch of beach off the coast of Chile, crash survivor Robert Milton has decided that he had rather live amongst dangerous, man eating predators than deal with the realities of living in 2013.

He made this decision after sitting through an episode of the Bravo hit TV show The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  In 1998 Milton was a passenger in dual engine plane that crashed over Chile coming back from a humanitarian mission in a remote village near San Pedro. Milton and 17 other passengers were presumed dead. With no survival training, Milton beat the odds and managed to stay alive for nearly 15 years until being discovered by a development company looking to turn the remote island into an offshore brothel. 

It seemed like a joyous day until Milton watched the Housewives program. After it was over, Milton stripped his clothes off and issued a brief statement before hiking off a Coast Guard rescue station and disappearing in the jungle.  Milton said that what kept him going was the hope of someday being rescued but didn't consider that the world would become a festering shithole.

"When I was lost in the jungle, I was attacked by a jaguar and had to fend it off with a rock and a stick.  Rats would chew on my friends bodies every night. Swarms of bugs would fly in my mouth and my eyes and choke me when I tried to sleep.  There were huge, blood sucking bats and leeches. I thought that was the most inhumane torture a person could bear.  It was how I envisioned hell.  That was until I heard those women talking on that television program.  It was then that I understood what true torture really is.  

"I flipped through the channels and it was all the same.  I thought for sure there would be advancements in science, medicine and agriculture.  Instead there was someone called Snookie taking shots of tequila and dancing on a bar. 2013 can kiss my ass."

Rescuer Mellissa Turnball says that over the course of an hour she saw Milton’s mood slowly change.

"He was all smiles when we first picked him up.  Then that show came on the TV in the break room.  He just looked at me and said, 'What the hell is this?' I thought he was really into it because he just stared at the screen eating a donut for like an hour. I was wrong.  When it was over he just got up, told us all basically too piss off and the next thing I knew he was walking straight back into the jungle.  I don't know what his problem is.  I DVR that show."

Man Mistakenly Given Gender Reassignment Surgery

Written By Bradley J. Berger on Wednesday, November 6, 2013 | 8:58 AM

South Dakota:  An Aberdeen area man recently went in for routine wisdom tooth removal surgery and was mistakenly given a gender reassignment.  Lester Wallace, a 32-year-old construction worker from South Dakota, was more than a little surprised when he woke to find that he was no longer a man.  The surgery took place February 24th at the Dakota Plains Surgical Center hospital in Aberdeen.

"It took some adjusting but I got used to it," said Wallace.  “It’s sort of a bother shaving my legs and sitting down to use the bathroom but I can’t complain I guess.”
Wallace now goes by the name Leslie and has recently started dating a local businessman.
“Without question, leaving my wife and kids was hard but it was the right thing to do. I’m not a lesbian.  I’ve always been very religious and I don’t think that sort of thing is right in God’s eyes.”
Maurine Jacobs, the surgeon who performed the surgery, says she’s embarrassed about the mix up.
"I'm sorry," said Jacobs, “someone apparently mixed up the charts.  I thought it was a little weird because I’ve never done that kind of surgery before. I just assumed it was something to do with hospital cutbacks.  It's not my job to question.  On a positive note, it actually turned out pretty well.  His vagina looks better than mine.”
The hospital has recently filed a lawsuit against Wallace due to unpaid medical bills.
“We are aware that the surgery was not his idea but our doctor’s time isn’t cheap.  The client basically just expects us to foot the bill for this.  If you walked into a car dealership and someone mistakenly handed you the keys to a brand new Cadillac, would you just assume the car was yours?” said a hospital representative in a statement.

Michelle Obama Shows Bush to Support Women's Rights

Written By Bradley J. Berger on Thursday, October 31, 2013 | 5:52 PM

Washington-Michelle Obama has been an outspoken advocate of women's rights and suffrage issues since her husband took office in 2008.  The First Lady made a bold statement to gain traction for women’s reproductive rights on Thursday, by displaying a lifelike, Susan B. Anthony Vajazzling during an afternoon press luncheon. 

"Isn't it beautiful?" the First Lady said. "I highly recommend that everyone gets Vajazzled.  It makes a woman feel empowered and beautiful.  I feel like a new woman.  Susan B. Anthony is a symbol for women’s rights and should be remembered and revered.  I feel that this is a perfect tribute to her legacy.”

Obama says that her recent addition has made a positive impact on her life.  She says that women shouldn't be ashamed to do things that make them feel beautiful.

"If you want to build a house you need start with a strong foundation.  That’s why I turned my vagina into a multifunctional work of art.  It went from being a Volkswagen Jetta to a 747. Barrack has made the most passionate love to me in every position you could imagine, until I’m sore and pulsating from head to toe.”

When asked where she had the work done, Obama said that she found the perfect place with a little help from a close friend.

“I went to this little shop in Brooklyn.  Martha Stewart turned me on to it.  Martha’s such a doll.  She’s been doing this for years.  I noticed hers one day while we out for a round of croquet and she took her pants off to cool off.  I was blown away by how confident and beautiful she looked.  I loved it so much I went right out and got one the next day.

"I don't want any photos taken. I'm a lady."

President Obama Applies for Unemployment During Government Shutdown

Written By Bradley J. Berger on Tuesday, October 8, 2013 | 5:18 PM

Photo BJ Berger
Washington D.C.-President Obama made a surprising move today as he formally filed for unemployment assistance in the state of Maryland.  As the government shutdown enters the 8th day the President says he has given up hope that the parties will be able to work out their differences and ratify a national budget.  He says that the shutdown has left him no other options to provide for his family.

“I’m at rock bottom,” said Obama.  “I was already living paycheck to paycheck so losing my job has been devastating.  The American people act like they are the only ones suffering.  We've been forced to eat at the soup kitchen every night.  I almost cried last week when Michelle made Ramen noodles for dinner.  She smiles and says she doesn't care and that we’ll make it through somehow but I know how she really feels, ashamed.

 “I’ve been on all week sending out resumes.  The job market is so bad I haven’t gotten many callbacks.  It’s a frustrating mess but I'm keeping my head up.  I got an interview at Lowes next week so maybe there’s still hope for turning things around.  I just wish I would have put together some kind of a backup plan just in case this whole presidency thing didn't work out. Oh well. Hindsight is 20/20."
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