St. Louis, MO: When Bryan Robbers first set his eyes on the Nintendo Entertainment system is 1986 he was in awe.  Bryan was 6 years old. He played for endless hours.  He beat Zelda in a few hours, he mastered Kung Fu like an expert.  Like many kids his age he was instantly hooked. 

"I was only 6 when I started but I remember feeling such a sense of accomplishment every time I'd finish a level or beat a game.  Then I my dad bought me a copy of that mind-fuck of a shit-hole game.  That thing was forged in hell and shit out of the ass of Satan himself."  

The game was Super Mario Brother.  It was the source of countless happy childhood memories for most children of the 80's.  Not for Bryan. For Bryan it was the instrument that drove him to the edge of insanity for nearly 3 decades.  His life spun into a spiral of frustrated depression and obsession.  Try as he might, Bryan could not make his way past World 3 of the classic video game.

"Level 3-1 can suck my ass.  The Hammer Brothers are impenetrable assassins. Those assholes would take all my lives.  Then if I'd manage to get to Bowser, that cocksucker would shoot a fireball up my ass.  Whoever designed that game was a flaming shithead.  I could have gone to college and had a real life but I couldn't let that rotten bastard beat me.  I did it.  I finally won."

Even at 6-years-old, he obsessed over every detail of the game. He'd sit at school and plan every jump and map out every level.  He carried this obsession into adulthood, hoping desperately to devise a plan that would eventually bring him the closure he'd been craving since before he could remember. Every waking minute was spent plotting and scheming. Failure just fueled his obsession. 

And that was his life for the next 27 years...until yesterday.

"Nobody told me there was a fucking warp!  I could have just gone right by the goddamn thing the whole time. What a pile of shit. I hope the guy that designed this game lost the use of his testicles in a hunting accident."

San Diego, CA- Hours after being rescued from a remote stretch of beach off the coast of Chile, crash survivor Robert Milton has decided that he had rather live amongst dangerous, man eating predators than deal with the realities of living in 2013.

He made this decision after sitting through an episode of the Bravo hit TV show The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  In 1998 Milton was a passenger in dual engine plane that crashed over Chile coming back from a humanitarian mission in a remote village near San Pedro. Milton and 17 other passengers were presumed dead. With no survival training, Milton beat the odds and managed to stay alive for nearly 15 years until being discovered by a development company looking to turn the remote island into an offshore brothel. 

It seemed like a joyous day until Milton watched the Housewives program. After it was over, Milton stripped his clothes off and issued a brief statement before hiking off a Coast Guard rescue station and disappearing in the jungle.  Milton said that what kept him going was the hope of someday being rescued but didn't consider that the world would become a festering shithole.

"When I was lost in the jungle, I was attacked by a jaguar and had to fend it off with a rock and a stick.  Rats would chew on my friends bodies every night. Swarms of bugs would fly in my mouth and my eyes and choke me when I tried to sleep.  There were huge, blood sucking bats and leeches. I thought that was the most inhumane torture a person could bear.  It was how I envisioned hell.  That was until I heard those women talking on that television program.  It was then that I understood what true torture really is.  

"I flipped through the channels and it was all the same.  I thought for sure there would be advancements in science, medicine and agriculture.  Instead there was someone called Snookie taking shots of tequila and dancing on a bar. 2013 can kiss my ass."

Rescuer Mellissa Turnball says that over the course of an hour she saw Milton’s mood slowly change.

"He was all smiles when we first picked him up.  Then that show came on the TV in the break room.  He just looked at me and said, 'What the hell is this?' I thought he was really into it because he just stared at the screen eating a donut for like an hour. I was wrong.  When it was over he just got up, told us all basically too piss off and the next thing I knew he was walking straight back into the jungle.  I don't know what his problem is.  I DVR that show."

Washington-Michelle Obama has been an outspoken advocate of women's rights and suffrage issues since her husband took office in 2008.  The First Lady made a bold statement to gain traction for women’s reproductive rights on Thursday, by displaying a lifelike, Susan B. Anthony Vajazzling during an afternoon press luncheon. 

"Isn't it beautiful?" the First Lady said. "I highly recommend that everyone gets Vajazzled.  It makes a woman feel empowered and beautiful.  I feel like a new woman.  Susan B. Anthony is a symbol for women’s rights and should be remembered and revered.  I feel that this is a perfect tribute to her legacy.”

Obama says that her recent addition has made a positive impact on her life.  She says that women shouldn't be ashamed to do things that make them feel beautiful.

"If you want to build a house you need start with a strong foundation.  That’s why I turned my vagina into a multifunctional work of art.  It went from being a Volkswagen Jetta to a 747. Barrack has made the most passionate love to me in every position you could imagine, until I’m sore and pulsating from head to toe.”

When asked where she had the work done, Obama said that she found the perfect place with a little help from a close friend.

“I went to this little shop in Brooklyn.  Martha Stewart turned me on to it.  Martha’s such a doll.  She’s been doing this for years.  I noticed hers one day while we out for a round of croquet and she took her pants off to cool off.  I was blown away by how confident and beautiful she looked.  I loved it so much I went right out and got one the next day.

"I don't want any photos taken. I'm a lady."