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Saturday, March 16

An in Depth Look at George Bush's New Memoir 'Decision Points 2: The Final Decision'

New York, NY:
The second book in George W. Bush's planned trilogy is set to be released nationwide this Thursday.  The book entitled 'Decision Points 2: The Final Decision' has a decidedly edgier tone than the first book in the series. Bush offers candid opinions and deep insight into some of the most challenging decisions he faced during his 8-year-term as Commander in Chief.  'Decision Points 2' is more introspective and honest than you would typically expect from the memoir from a former president.  What really separates this book from others of this genre is the extreme attention to detail.  Bush talks in depth about some of his strongest accomplishments as well the failures that still haunt him.

Here are some of the more insightful excepts:

On getting elected: "The trick is to make it seem like you're a man of the people, one of the guys, like they could go down and have a beer with you at the local pub.  The fact is I'm rich.  Being rich really does make you better than poor people.  I can admit that now.  I don't even like shaking hands with people who make less that $1.5 million a year. Yuck!  Every baby I ever kissed I wondered if I was going to get a tapeworm.  Poor people are responsible for all the world's plagues.  Every rich person knows that."

On his reported drug use: "I did some things in my past I'm not proud of.  We all have.  I just want to make it clear that I quit all of that long before I ever became President of the United States.  That was just youthful ignorance.  The liberal media tried to crucify me on that one.  Rest assured readers, I quit several weeks before taking the oath of office.  I made extra sure that I passed the drug test.  No one has any proof otherwise."

On his first day at the White House: "I could still smell the sweaty, sex dripping from the White House walls and seeping from every inch of furniture.  It smelt like a horrible mix of interns and housemaids.  I had the Secret Service burn the couch.  At first I thought it was all Clinton's fault but, the more I got to know the way things operated around that place, the more I realized that most of the my predecessors just used it like a giant frat house.  Two months in and I was still finding used condoms all over the house.  I think some of them probably dated back to Calvin Coolidge.  I got my revenge.  You should see what I left Obama.  Let's just say, if I was him, I'd think twice before I ate the oatmeal." 

On his drive to become president: "My hatred for Saddam Hussein was really what drove me.  Saddam and my dad used to be very close.  My dad even made me call him uncle Sammy.  We'd go to his palace for dinner quite often because his pool was a lot bigger than ours.  One day he introduced me to this girl.  She was really muscular but still very attractive.  Uncle Sammy just kept giggling like a little school girl every time she'd brush by me or touch my leg.  I just thought he was being an idiot so I perused her.  She was really hot and I really thought that I could have fallen in love with her.  One night she came back to my room and we drank enough beer and rum to kill an elephant.  I was shocked I was able to get it up.  We made the most passionate love.  It lasted for hours.  The next day I rolled over to give her a kiss, hoping she had fallen for me like I had fallen for her.  That's when I noticed she had stubble.  Shocked, I reached under the blanket and grabbed what felt like 9" of warm Iraqi tube steak.  I had no idea how I didn't notice it the night before.  I told my father and the next day we had troops on the ground in Iraq and he was on the TV screaming to the world that he was going to turn Iraq into a parking lot.  I was so pissed when he didn't finish the job.  From that day forth nothing could have stopped me from achieving my goal of one day becoming President."

On his biggest failure: "I could have done more to bring slavery back.  It saddens me to know that, in that respect, I really failed the economy.  Don't take this as racism.  I don't care what color the slaves are. Skin color doesn't matter as long as they can survive for 20 or 30 year of hard labor, in substandard housing, with no medical care, on very little food, without pay.  For years I tried but I just couldn't figure out a way to market that to the majority of the American people. It's not as easy as you may think.  It still haunts me that I couldn't get it done."

On how the internet conspiracy theorists have changed the presidency: "Conspiracy theorists have all kinds of crazy theories about me, and all public figures really.  I read somewhere that someone claims to have found evidence that I'm a member Illuminati or the Skull and Bones.  That's all nonsense, complete bullshit.  I know a lot of those Illuminati leaders and they're all assholes.  The guy that used to sell me reefer in college ended up being Head Elk Master or whatever they call the asshole in charge.  That guy was a douche and he always left the seeds in the bag.  I told him countless times that I was rich and that I would pay extra to get the good stuff but no matter how much I paid I'd still get the same watered down nonsense.  Now, you tell me, is that really the kind of organization you want to be taking orders from?  No one in power takes them seriously."

'Decision Points 2: The Final Decision' is available for to pre order on March 25th and will be available at bookstores nationwide April 4th.   

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