Fake News and Stuff

Monday, March 25

California to Ratify Bill to Make German its New Official Language




Sacramento, CA- Democratic California Governor Jerry Brown gave a speech in support of a bill that that will make German the state’s official language.  The proposal comes in response to pressure from lobbyist groups that have argued that immigrants should be required learn English and pass literacy tests.  During the speech, the Governor spoke passionately about what he feels will be his final legacy.

“We feel the time is right to make this move," said the Governor to a crowd of uniformed officers.  "There has been much made about immigrants learning our language.  I agree that we should all speak the same language.  However, since I'm Governor, I propose we quit being pussies take it a step further.  Let's Learn German and create a heavily armed, fanatical, self-sustained military and make California the most frightening state in the union.

“Why should our Latino brethren suffer all the burden of learning a new language?  I've always wanted to learn German.  Could you imagine if I was screaming at all of you in German right now?  There might be a few of you needing to change your underpants."

The plan calls for all public schools to burn all books written in English by 2014 or face funding sanctions from the state.  Other provisions in the bill include allocating additional funding from the state’s budget to form a Compliance Police Force to ensure all regulations and best practices are being met, building concentration camps, bolstering the railway system and developing a nuclear presence.  He says the changes will strengthen the state and serve to bring people together.

“I've always hated Texas.  They're always going on and on about their guns and their steaks and Larry the fucking Cable Guy.  Let's just say that if I decide to invade them it will be nice to have everybody on the same page.”  

The bill is expected to pass when it comes up for a vote in April.  It has garnered praise from both sides of the aisle for the creative ways it addresses the cultural divide that the state faces. State Republicans say that the proposal exceeds all of their expectations for a bipartisan compromise.  

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