Fake News and Stuff

Tuesday, June 6

Man Plans His Own Demise After Failing to Pickup One-Eyed Woman in Bar

Detroit, MI: Richard Morris, a 33-year-old unemployed sports mascot, has recently decided to commit suicide as a result of his latest failed pickup attempt. The incident occurred last Saturday evening after a hard night of drinking at the Rusty Bottom Saloon in downtown Detroit.

After nearly a decade of involuntary celibacy, Morris decided he finally hit rock bottom after a brief encounter with fellow bar patron Regina Smith.  Morris had consumed several pitchers of beer before approaching Smith, a 58-year-old retired bartender, to make his move. Witnesses say she already had consumed seven shots of tequila, 12 beers and two plates of nachos. The incident marked a low point in long streak of failures and disappointments for Morris.

"The woman I tried to pickup only had one eye and a she was smoking a cigarette through a tracheotomy hole. She told me that I wasn't her type. She was pretty much the lowest rung someone could reach for on the downward spiral. When she turned me down all I could think about was walking in front of a bus." 

Smith, a mother of 13 children with 13 unidentified fathers, says she has no recollection of the incident but agrees with his decision.

"I was really drunk that night but I can't believe I would have turned anyone down.  I'll have sex with just about everybody who asks me, not that anyone ever does.  Look at me for Christ's sake.  It's not like I've got a lot of options. You'd have to be pretty hard up to even consider doing me from behind with a bag over my head. I've got one eye, acne and I weigh 300 pounds. I look like I just crawled out of the burn ward. If I told him no, he must really be a true degenerate. I agree with his decision to commit suicide," said Smith of the incident.   

No word yet on Morris' idea to carry out his plans but many agree that this is the best solution for all parties involved.