Fake News and Stuff

Wednesday, May 8

Man Says Wife's Demonic Possession Saved His Marriage

Salem, MA:  Until three months ago Bradley and Stacy James seemed as though they had the perfect life.  They were an average married couple, trying to make a life in a small suburban neighborhood.  They had recently bought a small blue house with a sizable yard.  Bradley had just landed a new, high profile job at his law firm and Stacy was working as a dental hygienist.

However, for the James family, things were about to take an unexpected turn.  Bradley found his wife's behavior becoming increasingly bizarre.  After 15 years of marriage it was like she had become a different person.  She was becoming distant and self absorbed.  She stopped coming to bed and spent her nights in the field behind their house.  For months at a time, Brad didn't think she ever slept at all.  She never bathed.  He would catch her mumbling in languages he had never heard.  She had stopped using the toilet because she was peeing in the hallway.  The couple rarely spoke. When they did she would only quote bible verses, call him a homophobic slur and then laugh hysterically.  It wasn't until he had walked in on her levitating 6 feet above the bed that he understood what was going on.

"She had stopped having sex with me.  At one point she tried to stab me in the back with her car key and tried to set my Xbox on fire because she said I paid more attention to that than her.  That was before she was possessed.  Now she's almost seems rational."

He says that his wife being possessed has given their stale marriage a much needed jolt. 

"I couldn't believe it.  It was the most exciting thing to happen to our marriage in years," Brad explains.  "I am thankful that minion of Satan picked my wife.  She's much nicer now and our sex life is great.  This demonic creature is a complete sexual deviant."

He points to a specific instance when he began to see his wife in a new light.

"A few weeks ago I caught her using her teeth to fight the dog for a piece of raw steak.  She was nude and they were both covered in blood.  When they saw me they stopped and looked at me like they were a couple of wild animals.  Then she grabbed the meat and sprinted out the back door into the woods.  I have no idea where she went at 3 in the morning but I have never been so turned on by my wife.

"Now she just yells all kinds of perverted things that she wanted me to do to her and that my mother is a whore and stuff.  Compared to how she used to talk to me that's like reading Dr. Seuss.  She's way less bitchy now that she's possessed.  Plus it's hot when she talks in Latin.  The crazier she gets the better the sex is."

At the behest of Stacy James' family, the Catholic church has assigned high ranking Cardinal Marcus Dresden to investigate what the family believes could be a case of demonic possession.  It could be a tough sell because the church has never officially classified any of it's findings into such matters as paranormal.

"We take all of these matters and inquires very seriously.  When it comes to demonic possession we are skeptics until otherwise proven wrong.

"There are usually outlining circumstances that can explain such a phenomenon.  These can include mental illness, hormonal imbalances.  Usually, it's just a severe case of PMS.  A typical exorcism generally just involves a maxi pad and a bottle of Midol.  We really don't talk about our cases.  I will say this though, this does seem like it might warrant some divine intervention.  Also, her husband is a completely twisted pervert." 

Bradley says that for the sake of his marriage he hopes the church fails.

1 comment:

  1. Unless a person receive the Spirit of Christ, literally Jesus coming to them and giving them His Spirit, they are not saved yet, I don't care if they're a pastor or a 50 year Christian, if they have not met Jesus, had Jesus give them His Spirit and come to them, they are liars and do not know the Lord Jesus and did not do this:

    Luke 11:13 "If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

    Acts 19:2 "and asked them, "Did you receive the Holy Spirit when you believed?" They answered, "No, we have not even heard that there is a Holy Spirit."

    Acts 8:16 "because the Holy Spirit had not yet come on any of them; they had simply been baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus."

    PLEASE hear me out: