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Obama Orders Full Shutdown of the White House to Find Missing Taylor Swift Album

Written By Bradley J. Berger on Wednesday, March 13, 2013 | 11:39 PM

Washington:  The White House went into lock down early this morning as President Obama stormed the hallways frantically searching for his autographed Taylor Swift CD.  Sources say the disk went missing as Obama was preparing for his morning run.

"He was just screaming about how he hadn't even loaded the thing into his iPod yet," said the source. "He just kept saying, 'If one of you assholes is responsible for this you're all going to pay.  I've got the power of the free world behind me and I'm not afraid to have all of you killed.'  I'm pretty sure someone just probably hid the CD as a joke but I was scared.  He had a crazy look in his eyes so I knew he was serious."

According to multiple sources, Obama then began ripping the paintings off the walls, tearing into the furniture with a knife and smashing anything breakable as he demanded answers.  When none came, the situation quickly escalated.


"He was desperate.  At that point, he was still in his freshly bleached, 'whitey tighty' underpants and SpongeBob slippers.  He tore the place up pretty good looking for that CD.  I had to dodge some flying dishes and furniture and things.  I think he even threw a dildo at me at one point. He eventually wore himself out.  That's when he turned pale as a ghost.  He was breathing heavy and, before we knew it, he dropped to the floor and sat with his back against the wall.  That's when it got really scary.  It was like he was catatonic.  He just stared into space.  He looked like he was trying to make Michelle's head explode just by thinking about it.  We just all sat in silence and kind of stared at each other.  That went on for about an hour or so," said the source.

Finally, one of his staffers suggested that the President simply go on to iTunes and download the album. The source said that the President just mumbled, "its not the same."   

"That's when he got up and slowly made his way into the bedroom, never taking his eyes off the floor.  He shut the door but we could all hear him weeping through the walls. After about 20 minutes he came out in his jogging suit like nothing happened and demanded that someone make him an omelet.  We haven't heard a word about it since.  Its like it never happened," said a second source, a high ranking cabinet official who also requested to not be named.

No word yet on if the album was ever found.  As of this report, calls into the White House have not been returned. 
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