Fake News and Stuff

Tuesday, April 2

J.J. Abrams on ‘Star Wars’: If Fans Don't Like it They're Stupid

Hollywood, CA- In the not so distant future, in a basement in Burbank, California, J.J. Abrams says he is finishing the final draft of the highly anticipated, new installment in the Star Wars franchise. The plot has been a closely guarded secret but details of the project have begun to slowly leak out. Abrams says the film will take place 25 years after original epic concluded and will feature most of the original cast.

The script is thought to follow the exploits of a band of young Jedi warriors as they struggle to regain control of the galaxy from a legion of ruling warriors who seized power and promptly outlawed the Jedi.  Abrams says the movie, like his previous work, will be a well layered and rich with symbolism and metaphors.  He says that he can deliver the goods to reboot the Star Wars franchise.

“Don’t worry about the script.  It’s great.  George Lucas can kiss my ass,” said Abrams of the new movie. “You’ve seen what I can do with ‘Lost’ and ‘Alias.’ This script is my most abstract work yet and the plot will be hard to follow.  The smart fans will eat it up.  That’s why I’m a genius.  I tantalize viewers with so many twists and cliffhangers that, an hour in, you won’t have any idea what’s going on.  Then you’ll be so confused you’ll forget half the questions you thought you had in the first place.  I’m so dark and brooding that I don’t even have to tie any plot points together.  This movie will be the best Star Wars movie ever made without question."

Abrams went on to say that the new Star Wars movie might not be for everyone.  He feels the movie will appeal to a selective group of core fans.  He says his critics don't relate to his work like hardcore science fiction fans.

“My work is difficult to follow, get over it.  If you’re not smart enough to get it then that’s your problem. I was a fan of the newer movies not that horrible, easy-to-follow dribble from the 80’s.  We’re still hammering out the details but you can rest assured there’s not going to be a fucking Ewok within a 100 miles of the set.  The smart, rich, white nerdy kids will get it.  The rest of you can piss off.” 

Mark Hamill is slated to revise his role of Luke Skywalker in the film.  Hamill has been exclusively doing voice work for the past decade, most notably as the voice of the Joker in the animated Batman series.  Hamill says the script is everything you’d expect from a J.J. Abrams project.  

“J.J. let me read the script.  I’d quit if I wasn’t so broke.  It was more confusing than Lost and I have no idea what the Hell the things even about.  I burned the script when I was done with it.  Like Lost, at the beginning I thought it was pretty neat with all the mysteries and the action.  By the end of it I was just shaking my head going, ‘why did I start this shit the first place.’  It’s obvious they had a lot of good ideas but no idea where the script was going.  It’s like they take a bunch of LSD and then write down every crazy idea that comes into their heads.  They don’t even bother editing or trying to fit any of it in to some kind of coherent narrative.  I really had hope after I saw the new ‘Star Trek’ movie, but now I just want to get my paycheck and forget this ever happened. 

“The bad part is that J.J. is a great director and he’s really created an intricate plot that will put you on the edge of your seat.  The problem is you’ll leave you ultimately disappointed and angry.  You’ll want to punch someone in the face.  Have you see Alias, Lost or Fringe?  It’s like he hates the audience.”


  1. this is crazy!!! How can he be such an asshole? y are they letting an ego maniac like this direct a movie in the most beloved franchise of all time. I think ill save my money on this one.

  2. Would like some sources for these direct quotes before I can believe that j.j. abrams and mark hamill said anything that this article claims they said, although I wouldn't put it past Abrams to say these things.