Fake News and Stuff

Thursday, June 1

Man Finds out His Secret Admirer is a 64-Year-Old Mental Patient from Montana, Has Sex with Him Anyway

Fredericktown, VA:  In 2004, not many things were going right for Jerome Davis.  He had just turned 32 when he lost his job, his wife had left him, he was diagnosed with gout and his dog was stolen.  He had $.54 in his bank account and not much else.  As his problems mounted he began to wonder if he was ever going to pull through.  That’s when he received a package in the mail that would inspire him to turn things around almost as quickly as they fell apart.  The small, cardboard box was postmarked from Montana. The address was barely legible and scribbled in red ink.  In it was a pair of women’s panties and a note that read, "I've been watching you for a long time.  I’m going to find you.  I know who you are. B"
“I didn't have much else going on so I wrote back,” said Davis. “’B’ could have been anyone for all I knew.  I asked them how they knew me and why they were sending me thong panties. 
"They must have liked my letter because the next week I received another package.   They tried to send me a puppy but it must have died in the mail or something.  It was really the thought that counts, but it was very sad.   It still made me feel good to know someone out there cared.  That meant a lot to me at the time.”
As a result, Davis says he made changes to his lifestyle and eventually found work as a Tax Attorney in Rhode Island.  Davis maintained a relationship with his strange admirer.  They eventually exchanged email addresses but the secret admirer was always insisted on keeping anonymity.

“It was just nice to know that someone out there really had an interest in me and was looking over me.  I would get letters with bible passages written in red lipstick.  I got an ear one time.  It was a little weird but it was a nice gesture, very artistic.  I just started to get really curious.  It seemed like this person was really into me but I had no idea who they were.”
Davis was finally overtaken by his curiosity.  He had spent years fantasizing about this mystery person and he decided it was finally time to meet his admirer.  He spent the next few weeks tracking down leads and PO Box listings.   His search eventually brought him to the St. Sebastian Center for Behavioral Health, a 42-bed, state run mental facility in Montana.  That’s when Jerome made a shocking discovery.  His secret admirer, ‘B’, was a 64-year-old mental patient named Barney Nichols. 
“I was shocked at first.  He was rather large and had this big grey beard and these thick black glasses.  I just assumed my secret admirer was a woman.  I guess it was my fault because I never thought to ask.  His eyes were huge and he just sat there drooling and looking at me.  I don’t think he was expecting me to ever find him.” 
Davis says that it all came flooding over him at one time.  He remembered the nice cards, the puppy, and the notes written in lipstick, covered in white powder.  He says he it didn't take him long to make up his mind. 
"I’m not gay but the guy has been so flattering over the years I just made love to him on the spot.  I would have been an asshole not to.  He really helped me through some hard times and I felt like I owed him.”
Nichols could not be reached for comment.  Hospital officials state that Nichols has been living at the facility since 1982 but they cannot release any further information due to patient confidentiality issues. 

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