Fake News and Stuff

Sunday, May 26

92-Year-Old Wishes He Would Have Partied More Because Being 92 Sucks

St. Louis MO: My uncle Morton has recently voiced his opposition to healthy living and says that he's the a living advertisement against living past 70. He resides at the Franklin County Retirement community, just outside of St. Louis. He says everyone seems nice but sees no reason why anyone would want to go on living at an advanced age.

"Physically, I feel fine, but if I have to play one more game of shuffleboard I'm going to jump off the roof or go running into traffic. I always lived healthy so I'd live longer.  I stayed away from booze.  I never did drugs or ate any red meat.  It was all bullshit.  This is the worst torture you could possibly imagine.

"All of my friends are dead and the chances I'll find someone to get it on with me are pretty slim.  I'm not even sure if all the Viagra in the world would help me get it up.  I'd probably shoot saw dust anyway. These last few years are a miserable waste of time.

"I was a Marine. I fought in 2 wars and protected this country in it's darkest hour.  I even received a purple heart.  Now I'm stuck for 16 hours a day watching a goddamn Kardashian marathon because I'm to old to get up and find the goddamn remote.  Life can suck my ass."

I told him that I thought he was being dramatic and that it was fun having him around.  He looked at me like he wanted to have me committed to a mental institution.

"I shit myself now. Not because I can't hold it in. I just do it to give me something to kill the boredom. Everyone else in this god forsaken hole does it so why shouldn't I? Screw it, I'm having a tequila."

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