Fake News and Stuff

Monday, May 13

Entire Chicago Cubs Roster Tests Positive for Marijuana

Chicago, IL: Major League Baseball has announced that the entire Chicago Cubs 40-man-roster has been suspended 50 games for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, the maximum allowed for a first-time drug related offense. The ruling came on the heels of a month long investigation that was prompted by an email sent anonymously to the Commissioner’s office on April 16th.

The organization has been mired in drug related scandals over the past few years. In 2009, then starting catcher Geovany Soto, tested positive for marijuana while playing in the World Baseball Classic. In 2010 bullpen Catcher Corey Miller was arrested with 8.4 pounds of marijuana.

On the field, the club was already on a steady downward spiral after opening the season 14-22 and only winning 3 out their last 10. It’s only May and they trail the division leading St. Louis Cardinals by 9.5 games. The playoffs already seem out of reach for the malign organization which has been in rebuilding since before most of their fans were born. Even so, the announcement sent shock waves through the Cubs system as management struggles to find answers and fill the vacated rosters spots.

Cubs outfielder Alfonso Soriano addressed the media on Friday. Soriano has been with the club since 2007. Since signing, he's seen his stats steadily decline. He was visibly shaken by the news and blames a faulty test for the positive results. He states that he will fight to clear his name.

“I am completely shocked by these test results and I plan on fighting this until my last breath. There is no way I failed that test. I took the cleanser, drank lots of water and ate a lot of high citrus foods to flush my system. It’s the same thing I do before every test and I haven’t failed one yet. That’s why I feel I've been set up. There is no way I didn’t pass that test.”

Starlin Castro spoke to the press outside of his home on Thursday. Castro was once regarded as one of baseball’s shining prospects. Although he's posted solid numbers entering his fourth season, he hasn't lived up to the lofty expectations. He says that has dealt with depression and mental health issues throughout much of his young career. He says the Cub' losing attitude and indifferent approach to baseball has worn on him over the years. While not excusing his behavior, he hopes that people will understand.

"Have you been to one of our games? I just needed something to take the edge off,” Said Castro. “I'd rather work in a grocery store than play for the Cubs. When they drafted me I was devastated. If the money wasn’t so good I’d have quit 4 years ago, before I ever made it to the big club. Everyone in the locker room feels the same way about it. Does anyone have a bag of Cheetos?”

He went on to say that marijuana did not affect his play on the field. He feels the testing should only cover substances used to enhance performance and feels the findings of the test are just an example of the MLB overreaching.

“It’s not like we’re taking steroids or HGH so it’s not like we’re hurting anybody. What’s the point of taking this away from us? If we try really hard there's a chance we might finish ahead of the Pirates, and that's if we're lucky. I’d rather just take something to kill the pain and ride the season out. What's wrong with that? I'd like to see anyone in my position do any differently."

Manager Dale Sveum says he’s not sure how to feel about the investigation's findings. Sveum says he plans to support the Commissioner’s ruling. He feels that this will be a hard lesson to learn but hopefully it will be one that will strengthen his club for the future.

“Managing is hard enough without having all of your players doing bong hits in the locker room like they’re shooting their own 'Cheech and Chong' movie. There were times these guys were so bombed I had to remind them what sport they were playing. Our first baseman should up last week wearing a football helmet. I don't even know his name.”

Cubs General Manager Theo Epstein has been scrambling to fill roster holes in the now completely depleted roster. He offered his apology to the fans and promises swift changes that will prevent this type of thing from happening again.

"I don't really know what we're going to do to field a team. We have no real prospects to draw from because our farm system is a stagnant pool of losers and castoffs. We haven’t had a decent draft pick since Shawon Dunston in 1982. I guess it doesn’t matter though. We find new ways to lose no matter who we put on the field. We could hire any average high school team and get the same results.

"We might just go ahead and fold the team. Being out of the playoff race every year by May is bad enough, but now this? We should just quit for the sake of our fans. We owe them more than this. I just don't feel right taking their money anymore.”


  1. Well this would certaily explain a lot. I've been a Cubs fan my whole life and they never fail to disappoint. If this were true at least they'd have an excuse.

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