Fake News and Stuff

Wednesday, May 8

Miserable Office Worker Stages Rebellion and Demands to be Fired, Defiant Company denies his Request

St. Louis, MO: In these tough economic times it’s nearly a blessing just to be employed. With unemployment rates soaring and families desperate to make ends meet, people are hungrier than ever to find work. That is what makes the story of Assistant Invoicing Manager Hank Stewart such an interesting tale. He’s not a particularly skilled or bright employee. He’s not completed, or even started, a project in over a year. He has made it clear that he desperately wants to leave his job, a job he is miserable doing and never really wanted in the first place. Yet, almost beyond reason, HaylaTek is holding steadfast in their resolve to keep him around.

"It's nice that I keep getting a paycheck but I've been an absolute asshole to work with.  I feel sorry for my coworkers.  What more do I have to do to get fired? They can kiss my ass," says Stewart. 

Up until 9 months ago Stewart was a model employee. He’d been with HaylaTek Manufacturing for nearly a decade and things were looking bright. He’d risen from an entry level factory worker to middle management. As his responsibilities increased so did his pay. He was well liked by his bosses and seemed to be on the fast track to upper management. But after 10 years of grunt work and paper jockeying Stewart was increasingly disenfranchised.

Stewart remembers the exact moment it all turned.  He was sitting in front of an old, outdated copy machine. He was alone in the in supply room of the massive HaylaTek office building.  He sat quietly, watching the green lights slowly pan the length of each page.

He was copying some documents for an emergency meeting that was scheduled for later in the afternoon. He was under pressure from his boss to put together the final numbers for the quarter. The pressure was nothing new. He had been through the same drill a hundred times before. But that day, something was different.

“I just stared blankly into the bowels of that horrible machine and thought, ‘life has raped me. My professional life consists of making copies, getting coffee and getting yelled at by everyone in the department. That was the day my therapist says that I snapped. I made a photocopy of my ass and sent it to my boss. It may seem like madness but I had my reasons.”

Stewart’s coworker, Marcia Brown, remembers an instant change.  She’s been working in Stewart’s department for the last five years and enjoyed working with Stewart until recently.

“I remember the first day I noticed something was different. I had asked him for a Profit and Loss Report. He came over to my cubicle wearing flip-flops and let out an earth shattering fart, I almost threw up. It knocked a picture off my wall. I never got the report. I don’t know how he hasn’t been fired yet. This kind of thing has been going on for nearly a year.”

That day in the copy room, Stewart says he made a plan to leave the company. The problem was that, with the stagnate economy, it would be foolish to leave a steady income without any solid plans for the future. With no money in the bank, he would need to find another job, get fired or more ideally get laid off with a sizable severance package. Since that day, he's gone out of his way to become the company's worst employee.

“I stopped shaving and started showing up for work in a track pants, a t-shirt and sandals. I’d spend all day downloading adult pictures and then I’d send them to my coworkers in emails titled, ‘My Daughter’s Senior Picture’ and stuff like that. No one even replied.”

Much to his surprise, through all of his insubordination and madness, Stewart kept his job. It seemed he could do no wrong. This only frustrated him further so he decided to push the limits.

“I spent an entire week submitting ideas for a new company logo. Basically, I was just drawing little stick figures having sex on Post It notes and putting them in the company suggestion box. I still haven’t done any real work since that day in the copy room. I even called HR to report myself. At this point I’m desperate and all out of ideas. I have no idea what is going on here but no one seems to be paying any attention to me at all.”

Marcia says that his behavioral problems escalated quickly. She has been pleading with management to remove Stewart from the department for what she feels have been inexcusable actions against the company.

“We went in for a team meeting and he was sleeping under the conference table. When we finally woke him up he got mad and screamed at us to turn the lights off. He refused to leave and snored through the entire meeting.

“Later that week he moved his desk across from the bathroom so he could take pictures of people as they come out. Most everybody smiled and posed but I thought it was awful. I came in one day and he had blown my picture up and hung it in the lobby. I was so embarrassed because I had a piece of toilet paper sticking out of my belt line. No one else seems to have a problem with it so I just gave up trying to get him fired.”

She went on to say that his habits are beginning to negatively affect her moral and take her away from more important things she could be doing.

“He brought in this little boom box. He comes in every morning, kicks his feet up and just sits and listens to gangster rap all day. It’s loud enough for the whole office to hear it. Also, I don’t want to accuse him of anything, but I’m almost positive he’s smoking pot over there.”

Marlon Finch has been Stewart’s manager since late 2006. Finch says he has no plans to fire Stewart but does see him as having a few issues that need to be dealt with.

“Well, there is a lot more to it than just firing him. In today’s work environment you really have to build a strong case with HR. I’ve got most of his transgressions documented,” says Finch. “To be honest though, I’m probably not going to fire him. I don’t really like Marcia and he seems to enjoy torturing her.

"Besides, at least he shows up for work every day. That’s better than half the people that work here. I’m not going to give him a severance package either way. If he thinks that, he must really be out of his mind.”

1 comment:

  1. This gentleman is my idol. A lazy, uneducated office clerk with a bad attitude. These guys should hire him.