Fake News and Stuff

Wednesday, August 28

UFO Researcher Shoots Down Everything in the Sky, 'I'll hit one of those ass***** eventually'

Boulder, CO: Police were called after UFO researcher, Reginald Harris, fired several shots at avid hang glider Max Caulfield causing him to spiral into a tree.

Harris, 42, is notoriously eccentric, even in UFO chaser circles.  The towns people know him only as "Tin Foil" Reggie.  He spends most of his days scanning the internet for pictures and clips, anything that looks like it might lend credence to his theory that alien life forms frequently visit earth.  His mother let's him stay with her for $300.  At dusk he takes to the hills and the mountains of the Colorado Rockies.  Stories of alien sightings in the area date back to the 1800's.
His plan, his nightly mission, is simple.  Shoot down an alien craft at all cost.  Find definitive proof of alien life.

“I'll shoot down anything even remotely similar to a flying saucer.  Unfortunately that has included three bald eagles, two weather balloons and a guy from Montana.  In my defense he did look like an alien in that stupid hang gliding suit.  I'm sorry I put that poor schmuck in the hospital but there are aliens out there and I'm going to prove it if I have to shoot down every hang gliding asshole this side of the Rockies."

UFO chasing has risen in popularity since several shows have aired depicting real life UFO hunters have aired on the Discovery Channel and Nat Geo.  Harris has a doctorate in Paranormal Science from the Harmon State Institute of Technology and has dedicated most of his adult life to proving the existence of extraterrestrial life.  He feels that those shows don't properly depict research into extraterrestrial life.

"Those goddamn assholes on the Discovery Channel wouldn't know an alien if it ejaculated on their face. When I shoot one of those bastards down they'll have to take me seriously."

Caulfield, the man who was shot down by Reggie, spoke to reporters from the Mount David Medical Center where he is being treated for his injuries. He is in a full body cast and immobilized.

“He was hiding in the bushes so I didn't know what he was doing at first. I've seen him around town so I knew he was a nut case. Then I saw the gun, I started screaming at him,‘What the hell are you doing you crazy son of a bitch?’ He yelled back, ‘Shut up you alien bastard’ and started shooting at me. I broke 62 bones when I finally hit the ground. He said he was sorry and that he forgot his glasses but he can go to hell. When I get out of this cast I'm going to kick his nerdy ass?"

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