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Friday, May 17

World's Richest Bum Offers Panhandling Classes in Florida

A man regarded as the 'Donald Trump of Hobos' in the beggar community has started offering classes to teach fellow panhandlers ways to increase their earning potential.   

The man’s real name is Duane Smith and he has made millions from panhandling.  Smith said he thought of the idea while pulling up to a stoplight in his brand new BMW.  “There was a line of 20 cars stopped at the light and the vagrant begging on the corner couldn’t manage to get a single dime.  I thought to myself ‘This guy is doing it all wrong.  He will be lucky to make enough money to buy a six pack.’ That is when the idea of starting a class to help other panhandlers maximize their income came to fruition. My class covers 3 main topics and guarantees to increase earnings by 200% or your money back.”

“The first thing I teach my students is that in order to bring in the big money, you have to utilize signs that are creative and stand out.  The standard ‘Will Work for Food’ sign will not cut it anymore.  Signs either have to make someone laugh or touch their emotional side.  I realized this back in 1979 when I came up with the ‘Why Lie, I Need Money for Beer” sign.  I went from making $100 a day to close to $500 a day.  People seem more inclined to give money when they are laughing.”

“The second topic I cover is how to dress for success.  This is probably one of the most overlooked aspects in panhandling.  If you dress nice, it gives the impression that you’re some hippie looking for a handout.  I tell my students to dress as poorly as possible.  Wear clothes that look like they came out of a dumpster and are 30 years old.  They should be covered in dirt, grease and urine for added effect.  Nobody wants to be around someone who looks and smells like they are living in a port-a-potty and will usually give you money just to leave them alone.”

“The last topic on the billet covers ways to out perform the competition.  There are over 1 million panhandlers in Florida alone.  To be successful, you have to be one step ahead of your competitor.  If the guy on the next corner over is wearing an eye patch, you need to get an
 eye patch and add a cane.  If he gets a cane, you get a wheelchair.”

“The best example I have of this is when I was panhandling in Key West.  A homeless man and his dog started begging for change a block down from me.  I thought about moving to a new location, but realized that I just needed to change my game plan.  I ended up hiring actors to pretend to be my homeless family and sure enough, by the end of the week, the guy and his dog were gone”.  

“I always end my seminars by bringing in prior students who have struck it rich using my proven system.   Many of them have become millionaires themselves and went from living in ditches and pushing shopping carts to owning mansions and driving Ferraris.  It helps exemplify the fact that when it comes to panhandling, the sky is the limit.  There are millions of suckers out there looking to give away their money and most of my students just need help figuring out how to get it.”

If you are interested in taking Duane’s panhandling class, they are being offered the first Thursday of every month in the Dade County VFW Hall.  The cost is $100 and includes a lunch from whatever was left in the McDonald's dumpster the night before.  For more information, email Duane at onerichhobo@hotmail.com.

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