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Oldest Fan Contest at Wrigley Turns in Homicidal Melee

Written By Ken Werly on Friday, June 28, 2013 | 5:19 PM

A well-intentioned contest held at Wrigley Field in Chicago turned awkward on Saturday. Trying to attract more fans and create interest, the ball-club held a contest to find the oldest person still alive the last time the Cubs won the World Series in 1908.
After a pretty good turnout of 17 contestants, it was determined that 106 year-old Maple Robinson was the oldest at the time.  After being announced as the winner, Maple commented, “I have been a Cubs fan for over 100 years and finally know what it is like to win something.  Now I can die in peace."    

Well, Maple almost got her wish.  Shortly after receiving her award, jealous contestant number 6 pulled a gun from his wheelchair and pointed it at Mrs. Robinson.  Identified later as George Briscoe, he apparently thought Maple was cheating.  “Show me your birth certificate you lying bitch!  I’m older than you and I know it." 

Spectators of the event were shocked.  I spoke with contestant number 4, who witnessed the whole thing.   “The man just lost it.  After the winner was announced, George’s face got very red and I watched him pull the gun from a secret compartment in the wheelchair.  I was angry too about losing, but I just thought about kicking her ass later in the parking lot.  I agree with George that she was cheating.  No way she’s 106."

After a 30-minute stand-off with Chicago police, George was finally subdued after being tased.  According to witnesses, the man looked like a fish out of water after being jolted by the Taser gun.  “He kind of flopped around, switching from back to front for what seemed like five minutes."   Soiled by excrement, EMS and police officers hoisted George on to a stretcher and he was transported to Cook County hospital.  Then presumably, George will be booked for a nice stay at the local jail. 

Cub’s officials could not be reached for comment.  However, I was able to catch up with former Cub and hall-of-famer Billy Williams.  “Wow, what an interesting way to start a day of baseball.  It’s about time someone showed some competitive spirit around here."

Maple was presented with a fashionable and quite appropriate choker necklace.  A pendant with the Cubs logo dangled from the choker, engraved in diamond Zirconia.    I caught up with Maple just before being wheeled off the field.  She commented, “I really wish he would have fired the gun, I am truly ready to die anyway." 
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August 2, 2013 at 11:08 AM

Did this really happen?

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