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Friday, June 21

NSA Director to Congress on Spying Allegations: We Follow Most of Those Constitutional Thingies Pretty Closely

Washington D.C.- In an early morning hearing the director National Security Agency, General Keith Alexander, spoke in front of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence to clarify details pertaining to the agency's embattled PRISM program.

"We follow most of those constitutional thingies pretty closely," said Alexander to the bipartisan congressional panel. "There are just so many damn amendments that its really hard to keep track. Even if we did forget about few, I can assure you, they weren’t the good ones. We might have missed some steps along the way like the right to a speedy and fair trial, trial by jury, the Due Process Clause and unreasonable searches and seizures. Nothing major. Honestly, if we went by the book every time we'd never get anything done. Constitutional rights are sort of like just guidelines anyway." 

Alexander said that programs like PRISM are necessary for defending the country’s interests both at home and abroad. He understands there is a delicate line between privacy and security. 

"Come on bro. I don’t know what the big deal is. I don’t think monitoring citizens private emails, texts messages and phone conversations is really that big of an invasion of privacy. The governments in China, Syria and Iran have been doing it for years and no one gives them shit about it, so get off my back. It’s not like we’re goose-stepping or throwing up swastikas or anything, not yet anyway. That does seem like the next logical step though."

Committee Chairman Mike Rodgers (R-Mich.) asked if the nation’s laws needed to be addressed so the NSA would follow the same due process that is required for other types of surveillance in the US. Alexander said that such restrictions could hinder the effectiveness of the organization.

"Warrants aren’t easy to come by and frankly I think they’re pointless. Due process is for pussies and I wipe my ass with jurisprudence. I'm going to do what I want either way so what difference does it make?

"Just because we haven’t actually thwarted any terror attacks, or even identified a single terrorist, doesn’t mean that you need to tie us down with your bureaucratic procedural bullshit. What's next? You're going to tell me I have to give people a fair trail in front of a jury of their peers. Piss off with that."

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