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Tuesday, June 25

Real Life 52-Year-Old Virgin Convinced Bad Luck Streak Will End Soon

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East St. Louis, IL: James Marshall, a 52-year-old janitor from East St. Louis, has had a lifetime of sexual disappointments, failures and bitter rejections. To say that he's not good with the opposite sex would be an understatement. Just for trying to make small talk he’s not just been turned down. He’s been ridiculed, laughed at, assaulted, arrested and even duct taped to the wall. He's had a restraining order filed against him for just saying hello to a woman he was passing in the park.

Marshall is not an attractive man, but he's not particularly ugly. He's not bright but he's well spoken. The problem, Marshall has the uncanny ability to disgust women with almost no effort and for no one explainable reason. 

"I've tried picking up women at bars but I'd be lucky if the only thing they would do was throw a drink in my face. Don't even get me started with meeting people online. I've been robbed 43 times. Everyone else either ignores me or sends me a death threat. I had one woman send me a message out of the blue that just said, 'Your picture just popped up on my recommended match list. I just wanted to tell that you look like an asshole and you're ugly.' It would have crushed my ego if I had one." 

Marshall says he's been close to ending his lengthy drought but things always seem to fall apart at the last minute. He has been seeking professional help.

"I tried about 10 call girls but haven't found anyone who would agree to do it. Most of them just call me an asshole and hang up after a few minutes.  I guess I just have that type of personality. I got real desperate and paid one girl $9000 to fly in from Africa. She never showed but I think she was really into me so I don't know what happened there.

“One girl agreed to come over but only if I wore a bag over my head. I agreed. Then her boyfriend came in and beat me with a Fungo bat and robbed me. I had some others come over but they just ran out of the door when they saw me for the first time.  I get sprayed with mace a lot. One girl said she threw up just from a picture I sent her. It was just my face. I'm a really nice guy, I've just been given a horrible genetic disposition. Everybody has their flaws I guess."

Marshall says he makes excuses for being a 52-year-old virgin because he refuses to believe that there is not a single person who would enjoy having sex with him. 

"My only real sexual release is masturbating in the bathroom at work. I can’t give up hope just yet. I've just had a string of bad luck that's lasted since puberty. 

“I wish I could at least concentrate on my work. The problem is I clean toilets for a living. Life really does suck ass."

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