Fake News and Stuff

Saturday, July 13

Aaron Hernandez, 'I'm Way too Good at Football to Go to Jail for This'

Foxboro, MA: Ex-Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez spoke with reporters from the visiting area of the Boston Department of Corrections late Friday evening. It was the first time Hernandez has spoken to the media since his arrest.

"I'm too good at football. I will not only get off but I'll become a beloved icon, like Michael Vick or Ray Lewis," he said regarding his recent legal troubles. "Patriots fans know how explosive I am from the slot so they won't let one stupid, alleged murder cloud their judgement of me as a person, no matter how gruesome or cold blooded.

"Murders happen all the time but this kind of football talent is once in a lifetime.  I'm already getting calls about endorsement deals."

Hernandez’s Defense attorney, Mitchell Kruger, also spoke during the hour long conference. He was vocal about what he feels is a weak case against his client. He says the media is intentionally omitting key details to paint his client as guilty.

"My client is way too good at football to be convicted of this crime. We'll prove that in court. Just look at his stat line from 2011. He posted 910 yards and 7 touchdowns in just 14 games. That’s stellar. 2012 was an injury plagued year but the team played much better when he was in the lineup. These crimes are minor compared to the chance at winning another NFL championship. This is New England so I'd be surprised if he gets probation.

"I'm really motivated to help my client fight this, with good reason. If he's convicted, there's a good chance that I'd be forced to draft a sub-par tight end for fantasy team and I'm not prepared to let that happen. Most jurors have fantasy teams of their own so they'll be sympathetic."

District Attorney Mason Hillyard responded by saying that the facts are clear. He believes the defense team is grasping at straws, attempting sway public opinion.

"If Mr. Hernandez thinks he’s going to walk away from this because he’s a star football player he’s sadly mistaken. Being rich and famous is usually a strong defense in court but, Hernandez doesn't pull the kind of star power needed to shoot someone in cold blood. He’s good on battery, domestic violence or some type of drug charge but not murder.

"That dickhead rode the bench in my fantasy league all last year because of his ‘injury.’ Around here we call that being a pussy. I wasted a 3rd round pick on his dumbass. I'll see to it that he burns in hell for that."


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