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Devout Heterosexual Man Announces his Intentions to Turn Gay

Written By Bradley J. Berger on Monday, July 8, 2013 | 11:06 AM

Atlanta, GA: After a dozen years of being in a monogamous, straight relationship Stan Decker, a 37-year-old ex-homophobic flight attendant, is ready to make the jump to the other side of the dating aisle. Although he is not attracted to men, he says that a number of other factors played into his decision.

"I heard that people are born gay but I unfortunately was not. Men are weird looking and they smell funny. That’s what made this decision so difficult. I'm a big fan of having sex with woman but dealing with them on a personal level has become a real burden. On the other hand, gay men actually like to have fun and don't spend all day complaining and moaning about every little detail. They also never have periods and they know how to find a good orgy in a pinch. My wife pretty much sucked out my soul and ruined all women for me. It was either going gay or jumping off a building. What would you have chosen?” 

Decker says he has been working closely with the gay community to establish a firm timeline for his eventual move to a homosexual lifestyle. Decker has taken four trips to an area bath house and says the transition is going well but acknowledges that it is going to be difficult. 

"It's going to take some getting used to. Men are sweaty, disgusting animals and the sex is very painful. I frequently cry afterwards. Still, it's less to endure than listening to her go on about the Bachelorette or complaining to me about drinking too much beer and passing out in the bushes or having sex with her sister. Her voice is like dragging a nail down a chalkboard and I just sit there listening to her, praying for my head to explode. Going gay seems like my only real option.”

"I'm still not sure that I'm willing to turn completely gay just yet. Until that time I'll be straight as an arrow. Being gay is a big commitment and I just want to make sure I give it the time and attention it deserves. It’ll be soon though. I've been fighting with my wife a lot so the earlier the better. This is the right thing for me in the long run.”

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