Fake News and Stuff

Wednesday, July 3

Giant Shark Caught with Spider-Man Fishing Pole

Gulf Shores, AL: A stretch of beach near Harbor Bay was overrun with spectators today as news spread of a giant Great White shark that was captured just off the coast. Visitors stood in awe at the 3 ton beast as it turned on a massive rotisserie. The angler who snagged the beast was a 45-year-old tourist from Montana, Robert Mason. Mason had chartered a small, two-passenger fishing boat with his 7-year-old son and was just expecting a calm day on the water. 

"I can't believe I caught that thing. Tommy was fishing with this little Spider-Man pole I had bought from WalMart when he felt a little tug.  The next thing I knew his line was coming out of the reel with so much force that it nearly pulled him out of the boat. I immediately grabbed the pole out his hands and started reeling. I could tell that it was something pretty big, but when it breached the water, I nearly shit my drawers. It was like 10 times the size of the boat.

“I didn't want to look like a wimp in front of my kid so I jumped in after it. It looked a lot bigger when I got up close. I also realized that sharks are real assholes. The damn thing nearly bit my head off but I managed to kick its ass. I wrestled it and punched it in the face a few times.  It really didn’t stop fighting until I stuck my finger in its gill. Then it just sort of stopped and looked at me like I was nuts.  That's when I sucker-punched it and knocked it out.

“The hardest thing was getting it back to the bay. Dragging a shark that big is a pain in the ass. Also, it was almost impossible to find a stick big enough so we could start the rotisserie. Before this the biggest thing I ever caught was a couple of bluegill at the pond behind my house. 

Mason went on to say that, as unlikely as this all seems, he is happy with the outcome.

"This doesn't seem plausible does it? Maybe the goddamn thing just gave up on life. Either way it’s gonna be some damn good eatin'. Ye-haw!"


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