Fake News and Stuff

Monday, July 22

Investment Banker Gets his Ass Kicked By Midget for Being an Asshole

St. Louis, MO: Investment banker Kyle Hurley was tending to his wounds in a barstool at Viking Beer Hut in South St. Louis.  The bar was closing down.  Hurley sat hunched over with an icepack against his temple, his shirt and tie covered in blood.  He recapped the events of the evening as uniformed police officer Martin O'Malley scribbled in a small black notebook.  

"That little son of a bitch jumped out of his barstool and kicked my ass.  I don't know how big midgets are but they are sure tough as shit.  I've been making fun of the less fortunate my entire life and nothing like this has ever happened. The guy is a loose cannon and he needs to be locked up.  I workout 5 days a week and I've even taken a couple of boxing classes but that guy just beat the shit out of me.  He must have been some type of trained mercenary.”

He says that he and a friend were out to dinner when he noticed what he thought was a small child hammering back beers at the bar.

"I thought it was a bit odd that a 12-year-old was drinking a 40 ounce beer and taking shots at the bar.  I wasn't going to say anything because it’s really none of my business but it’s the kind of thing that catches your eye.  I was drinking at that age."

Hurley says that at some point they realized the diminutive figure was not a child.  It was a little person.  Hurley says that he and his friend laughed and then he told what he thought would be a series of harmless jokes at Holman's expense.

"It’s just something you don't see every day so I did what any rational, free thinking person would do in that situation.  I started mocking him behind his back because he was different than me.  It was just some old fashion harmless fun.  Just like high school except I'm rich now. I truly enjoy making people feel terrible about themselves."

Hurley says the little person smiled at him but then things turned went downhill quickly.  Apparently the little man wasn’t in the mood to hear any jokes at his expense.

"All I did was tell a couple of jokes about how funny his little arms looked compared to his enormous head.  I said I was going to take him home and turn him into a coatrack.  I'm insecure so I feel like that type of thing helps me fit in. I didn't even realize he heard me because I was being so discreet about it.

"The next thing I knew he leapt onto the table and punched me in the nose. I fell backwards out of my chair and landed hard on the floor. He jumped on my chest and just started punching me in the face like a pint sized ninja. My friend just stood there and laughed.  I guess he thought it was funny that I was getting my ass kicked by someone half my size even though I was bleeding out of my ears. That's when the little guy lunged and bit my friend’s ankles, dragged him to the ground and then kicked his ass.  Thank god.  I didn't want to be the only person to get my ass kicked by a midget.  That little guy was like the Angel of Death or something.

"After he got done thoroughly kicking the ever loving shit out of both of us, he relieved himself on me.  I guess he just thought that was a nice touch.  I guess he was right because everyone in the bar was pointing and laughing.  The midget was also quite well endowed.  What he lacked in height he more than made up for in penal size.  That thing was at least 13" long and as thick as a can of Cola.  Mine is only 5 1/3.  I was completely humiliated and I smelled like pee.  I can't believe he treated us that way.  No human being deserves to be made to feel worthless.”

Officer O'Malley says that Hurley’s story is so outrageous that he made sure that his notes properly represented the situation
“I just drew a picture of a big fat dick.  That’s pretty much how I feel about Mr. Hurley.”

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