Fake News and Stuff

Tuesday, July 2

Man Deeply Regrets His Decision to Buy Van Without Windows

When Mike Roberts bought his windowless 2012 Ford Econoline van, he thought he was getting great deal, but he never could have imagined the suffering it would cause.   

“I hate this fucking van.  I wish I never would have bought it. All this van has brought me is trouble,” Mike remarked.
“I remember the first time I took it out.  I tried to pick up my kid at school and as I pulled into the parking lot, the teachers started pointing and screaming.  All the kids went into a huge frenzy and took off running towards the school yelling ‘stranger danger.’  I was down at the police station for 4 hours explaining how I just bought the damn thing for work.”

“To make matters worst, the school’s principal called me into her office and told me never to come back on school grounds.  She explained to me that the school had just held an assembly about the danger of strangers and used a Ford Econoline van without windows in their demonstration.  You could imagine my horror when she pulled out the pamphlet they distributed to the kids entitled ‘If you see a van like this, run and get an adult’.  The damn thing even had facts about the van printed inside.  Apparently 95% of all child abductions take place in these vans and that majority of people who buy them are pedophiles.  That would have been nice to know before I bought the stupid thing.”
Mike's nightmare did not end there.  “Before I purchased this van, I got pulled over only one time in my 38 years of driving.  Since I bought this van three months ago, I have been pulled over 87 times.  I started leaving the house an hour early banking on the fact that I would get pulled over.”

“The final straw came when some teenagers spray painted ‘free candy’ on the side of my van.  I didn’t have enough money to paint over it, so I was forced to drive around with that horrible graffiti painted on the side.  You can only imagine the looks and hateful comments I received.”

Mike decided enough was enough and wrote a letter to the Ford company to give them a piece of his mind. “I really let them have it.  I even suggested they conduct mandatory background checks and warn potential buyers of the grief they may suffer if they purchase their windowless model.  If I knew what I know now, I would have most likely passed on the van and bought a work truck."

Mike said the letter he received back from Ford was not what he was expecting.  Here is a copy of the letter.

 Dear Pervert,

Thank you for purchasing our Econoline brand.  We regret the inconvenience the van has caused you and will take your suggestions into consideration. 

We have attached a $2,000 off coupon for our newest Econoline model called the Sandusky for your troubles. The coupon will expire within 30 days, so please visit a dealership soon to redeem this great offer.

Sincerely Ford Motor Company

Mike says he no longer drives what people in town have labeled ‘the molester mobile’ and currently has it up for sale. “I have had a few inquiries, but it is always some weirdo with a cheesy mustache wearing jorts and asking how many children the thing can fit in it comfortably. I wouldn’t feel right selling it to someone like that. “

If interested in the van, please contact Mike at 999-567-0389.

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