Fake News and Stuff

Monday, July 8

McDonald's Releases 7 Pound, 46,000 Calorie Burger in New York to Protest Soft Drink Size Regulations

Photo by BJ Berger
Lexington, KY: The McDonald's corporation has decided to take a stand against the recent changes to the laws governing beverage size within New York City limits.  They feel that the laws were solely aimed at casting a negative light on the fast food industry.  As a reaction to the laws, McDonald's announced its plans to release a burger that is far worse than even the biggest portion of soda.

The new burger, “The Annihilator,” will feature 25 strips of bacon, 24 slices of American cheese, a fried egg, five ounces of nacho cheese sauce, five ounces of mayonnaise and 12 all beef patties on a buttered, sesame seed bun.  The burger weighs seven pounds and has a weeks worth of calories per 12 ounce portion.

McDonald's CEO Mike Morris says the introduction of the new burger is necessary to protect their brand from health conscious, fringe lobbyists.  He feels the laws are hypocritical in nature and just another example of the government overstepping its boundaries.

"If you’re counting calories then you should go eat at some pussy restaurant like Subway or that stupid chicken place that hates gay people.  While you’re at it, you should schedule an appointment to have your testicles removed.  You obviously don’t need them. Even if you live to be 120 you'd be living a miserable hollow life of rationing carbs, walking on a Stairmaster and shitting yourself to sleep every night. McDonald's is all about living for the moment, dancing clowns and belly fat. Shrinking drink sizes isn't going to stop us. It just pisses us off."

Morris says that the laws are not only cumbersome to business but they will have little or no affect on consumer's health. 

"Are you kidding me with these bullshit soda laws? We have a grilled chicken salad on the menu that has 1500 calories and you’re talking about a little pop. Have you hippy lunatics all lost your goddamn minds? Obesity is our business and business is booming.  We aren't going to stop until every person in great country is dripping with burger fat and blown up like a sad dying whale." 

Morris went on to say that the fast food giant may take its protest a step further and employ more unconventional methods to circumvent the new laws. 

"We might just get rid of cups completely and just let everybody drink straight from the spigot. We'll put one in every table and let people drink until everyone is so fat and bloated from the carbonation that they burst apart at the seams. We didn't get to be the leading fast food chain in the world by chance.  We know what people want."

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