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Friday, July 12

World's Largest Cross Ordered To Be Taken Down Because One Person Is Offended

Effingham, IL:  The town of Effingham in central Illinois is up in arms over the recent ruling by their city council to take down their infamous 198 foot high holy cross.  According to reports, one of the town’s residents, Bill Bayer, was offended by the structure and threatened to sue if it was not taken down.  

When asked why he wanted the cross to be taken down, Bayer replied “I have a very rare condition called Staurophobia which is a fear of crosses.  I literally tremble in terror and start having anxiety attacks every time I see one.  Unfortunately I live and work within a mile of the Effingham cross and am forced to see that monstrosity every day.”

Bayer says that he suffers hundreds of anxiety attacks a day and has been forced to take extreme measures.  “At home, I have been forced to completely seal off my windows so I have no chance of catching any glimpse of the cross.  I also have to blind fold myself in the morning and have one of my coworkers put me in his trunk and take me to and from work.   It is quite embarrassing getting out of a trunk blindfolded and walked into the building as your coworkers stare and laugh.”
When asked why Bayer just doesn’t move, Bayer replied “It is really offensive when people ask me that. I was born and raised here my whole life.  All my family and friends are here and I was here before the cross was built.  Why should I have to change my life because of some religious monument?”

The rest of Effingham does not seem to have the same view as Bayer and vowed to stop the cross from coming down.  A petition is currently being passed around the city and already has over 5,000 signatures. Also, over 30 residents have chained themselves to the cross and proclaimed that they will not move until the ruling is changed.  

One of these people is a local trucker named Jack Wilson.  “I can’t believe the city council would side with this idiot.  That cross is the symbol of our town and brings hope and faith to the millions of people who drive by, but since the city counsel doesn’t want to offend this dumb ass and are scared of getting sued, they caved to his request.”

“It seems like they are taking religion out of everything just because a few people are offended.  Some moron gets offended by the term ‘under god’ in the pledge the allegiance and the schools are forced to stop reciting it.  Some liberal hippy decides he is offended by Christmas lights at a public building and they get immediately taken down.  Even petty things like the St. Louis Cardinals having a little cross drawn on the mound offended people.  Instead of the Cardinals having the guts to stand up and say ‘tough shit’, they crumble to the demands of the few pansies that get their feelings hurt.”

“Well guess what, I am offended by many things too, but I keep my mouth shut.  I am offended by those damn Jehovah’s Witnesses who come to my door just as I fall asleep for a nap, but I don’t say anything.  I just do like everyone else and chase them off my property with a machete threatening to show them salvation if they ever come back.  I also get offended by those overweight bicyclists who wear spandex, goofy helmets and block traffic while riding around like they are Lance Armstrong. As much as l would like to run them over, I don’t.  I just go around and give them the bird while praying they fall and break their pelvis.”

While the people of Effingham are hoping the city will change their minds, the City Council has stated they have no plans of reversing their decision.  City councilman, Zach Belding had this to say “We realize our decision has upset many people in our city, but we must make sure that everyone is heard and treated with respect.  It is true that Mr. Bayer is the only one to ever make a complaint about the cross, but we must respect his rights and make sure that we do not offend anyone in our great town, no matter how stupid their reasoning may be.”

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