Fake News and Stuff

Tuesday, June 4

Brilliant Molecular Scientist Still Known Best Around the Office for her Breasts

St. Louis, MO: There is no questioning that 28-year-old biochemical engineer Kelly Morris is brilliant. She graduated with honors and carries an Ivy League pedigree. She was heavily recruited out of college before accepting a position at one of the most prestigious research firms in the world, HaylaTec Incorporated. She is working towards her PhD. She is in the top-tier of a tightly contested field.

The one problem, she is the only woman in her office. More specifically, she’s the only one with breasts.

“I knew when I was getting into research science that I'd be dealing with a lot of nerds but these guys are one seriously twisted pack of perverts. It’s like ‘Revenge of the Nerds’ on ecstasy.  I never thought that inserting breasts into this environment would be that big of a deal but it's turned this place into a sex-crazed frat house with a bunch of sex-starved nerds running around in lab coats with hard-ons.

"They spend more time trying to get me to take my top off than actually working.  Last week I came in and they were installing a stripper pole in the breakroom.  They said it was for decoration.  I think they really thought when I saw the pole I would just start dancing or something.  I might be the only women some of these guys have ever seen besides their mother."

Morris says that her work is often overlooked by her colleagues because of her physical attributes.

“Through my research, I revolutionized protein synthesis which saved the company millions in production costs. The next day my boss looked at me and said, 'I'll pay you $100 to touch one of your boobs.' The guy has a PhD for God's sake! He sees one breast and turns into a mumbling buffoon."

“I was excited when they asked me to speak about Molecular Preconditioning at a client event. I worked on that speech for weeks. When I got up to the podium, I noticed the microphone was set up extremely low. It was odd but I didn't think much of it until I bent over to introduce myself. That's when I saw dozens of camera flashes go off. Everyone started cheering and giving each other high-fives.  Turns out they had set the whole thing up just because they wanted me to bend over so they could see down my blouse. As if that wasn't bad enough, they started throwing dollar bills onto the stage. Keep in mind, these are some of the most brilliant and renowned scientists in the world."

Morris says that she has escalated her concerns but she worries that her complaints may have fallen on deaf ears.

“I talked to my HR rep about the situation. He listened for like 15 minutes and seemed to really be paying attention. When I was done he just leaned in and said, ‘Have you ever seen a grown man naked?’ I've decided that men are about as smart as their penises allow them to be. I might as well be working at Hooters.”

1 comment:

  1. She can experiment in me any time she wants.