Fake News and Stuff

Monday, August 12

Obama On Gun Control, 'I'll Kick Your Asses Myself'

President Obama appears ready to make a second push in support of a bill that would tighten gun regulations and put restrictions on magazine capacity. The bill seemed dead after the being defeated during his initial campaign.  Despite the president’s efforts, the measure was struck down by both houses of congress and did not appear to gain momentum with voters from either side of the political spectrum.

"I'm going to shove those guns up their asses. If they want violence, let’s give it to them," said Obama of gun supporters. "They think I'm going to take their guns and put the country in Marshall Law. Do you really think you could stop me if that's really what I wanted to do? I’ve got the world’s greatest military power ready to drone strike everything that moves, talks, winks or sneezes.  What good is your stupid little duck hunting gun going to do against that?  But hey, I’d never do that.  I’m a nice guy.  Just put those guns down and I'll kick all of your asses myself."

Career criminal Spandex Johnson says that he thinks the president needs to think about his message before he alienates his core supporters. 

"I think his message is clear and I feel this is a step in the wrong direction for this country. I'm an American and it’s my constitutional right to bear arms. That doesn't change just because I'm a convicted felon. As part of my lifestyle I have broken many laws, but when it comes to gun ownership I have done nothing wrong. The guns I've used for my crimes have all been properly licensed and legally obtained. What he is proposing is a complete infringement on my God given rights."

NRA spokesman Reggie Clifton says that the president's gun laws will only make it harder for honest Americans to defend their families. 

"Taking away semi-automatic weapons is going to make it more difficult to shoot a criminal when I see one.  Shooting someone is easier than calling the police. We shouldn't have to bother those busy patrolmen with all of our problems.  It is my duty as a law abiding citizen to act as judge, jury and executioner.  Those are the principals that this great country was founded on.  Due process was just something our forefathers threw into the Constitution to appease liberal swine.   

"What if my gun breaks? I have to wait 8 days to get a new one?  8 days is a long time to go without opening fire on someone."

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