"Looks like a penis doesn't it? It's not. It's one of the most finely crafted tobacco products money can buy. The smoke is dark and pungent. Hitler used to smoke this same brand. Just a coincidence of course. I'm nothing like Hitler. Hitler never had any drones. I've got an entire army of those flying, 'Terminator' style, death machines at my disposal. Do you know how good that feels? OMFG! It's fucking great. It gives me a rock-solid erection just thinking about it. I can level a village 3000 miles away with an app on my iPhone. It's like 'Angry Birds' with missiles. Let me tell you first hand, it works better than Viagra. Michelle can hardly walk after I'm done with her."
"My point is, I've worked hard and now I'm not doing another fucking thing until I smoke this whole cigar right down to the wet nub. I'm going to inhale all of these highly toxic carcinogens into my perfect, pink lungs. I just want to take some time to sit back, listen to some of my Taylor Swift records and relish this moment. Damn it feels good to be King.."