Fake News and Stuff

Tuesday, October 1

Man Sets World Record by Drinking 6.3 Gallons of Whiskey in a Single Sitting

Brooklyn, NY: Guinness officials were on hand as Nick Manzelli easily broke a 43 year-old-record that many thought would stand the test of time. Manzelli, a 52-year-old neurosurgeon, consumed 6.3 gallons of Jack Daniel's sour mash Tennessee whiskey in a marathon booze binge that landed him in the record books. The binge lasted nearly 9 hours.  At the post-event press conference Manzelli seemed surprisingly coherent, even though doctors estimated his blood alcohol content reached 7 times the legal limit, a staggering 58%. Manzelli says that breaking the record was not easy but he feels his hard work paid off.

"I practiced hard for this and I had a great training camp. My coaches pushed me to the limit everyday. I'd wake up early to drink every morning and I'd keep drinking until the late hours of the night.  Just when I thought I couldn't drink anymore I'd push myself harder.  I'm a doctor so this type of partying is just par for the course. This has been years in the making. I'm sorry, I didn't think I would cry."  

Manzelli plans on taking time off to be with his family but is planning a full media tour in the coming months.

"Holy shit I'm drunk. Where are my keys? I've got to get home before my wife notices I'm gone," said Manzelli. "Is Oprah still on?  If so I'm getting my drunk ass on a plane to sit down for an interview. I'm a legend now so I can do what I want. I just hope I don't shit myself."


3 comments:

  1. A 52-year-old neurosurgeon huh? With no teeth? Studied medicine at Wal-Mart?

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  2. This must be BS. That would kill anyone.

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  3. This must be BS. That would kill anyone.

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