Fake News and Stuff

Friday, November 8

Man Rescued from Jungle after 15 Years Watches One Episode of the 'Real Housewives of New Jersey' then Promptly Returns to Jungle

Photo by Earwig
San Diego, CA- Hours after being rescued from a remote stretch of beach off the coast of Chile, crash survivor Robert Milton has decided that he had rather live amongst dangerous, man eating predators than deal with the realities of living in 2013.

He made this decision after sitting through an episode of the Bravo hit TV show The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  In 1998 Milton was a passenger in dual engine plane that crashed over Chile coming back from a humanitarian mission in a remote village near San Pedro. Milton and 17 other passengers were presumed dead. With no survival training, Milton beat the odds and managed to stay alive for nearly 15 years until being discovered by a development company looking to turn the remote island into an offshore brothel. 

It seemed like a joyous day until Milton watched the Housewives program. After it was over, Milton stripped his clothes off and issued a brief statement before hiking off a Coast Guard rescue station and disappearing in the jungle.  Milton said that what kept him going was the hope of someday being rescued but didn't consider that the world would become a festering shithole.

"When I was lost in the jungle, I was attacked by a jaguar and had to fend it off with a rock and a stick.  Rats would chew on my friends bodies every night. Swarms of bugs would fly in my mouth and my eyes and choke me when I tried to sleep.  There were huge, blood sucking bats and leeches. I thought that was the most inhumane torture a person could bear.  It was how I envisioned hell.  That was until I heard those women talking on that television program.  It was then that I understood what true torture really is.  

"I flipped through the channels and it was all the same.  I thought for sure there would be advancements in science, medicine and agriculture.  Instead there was someone called Snookie taking shots of tequila and dancing on a bar. 2013 can kiss my ass."

Rescuer Mellissa Turnball says that over the course of an hour she saw Milton’s mood slowly change.

"He was all smiles when we first picked him up.  Then that show came on the TV in the break room.  He just looked at me and said, 'What the hell is this?' I thought he was really into it because he just stared at the screen eating a donut for like an hour. I was wrong.  When it was over he just got up, told us all basically too piss off and the next thing I knew he was walking straight back into the jungle.  I don't know what his problem is.  I DVR that show."

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