Fake News and Stuff

Tuesday, July 2

Man Arrested After Hijacking a Rick's D*cks Truck and Wreaking Havoc on Downtown St. Louis

St. Louis- A man was arrested yesterday after allegedly stealing a delivery truck and leading police on a chaotic, 3 hour, high-speed chase through downtown St. Louis. The man, 42-year-old accountant Harvey Denton, is being held on suspicion of 18 felony charges which include grand larceny, resisting arrest and assaulting an officer.  Denton made his move after he realized the truck was filled with adult novelties 

Police say that Denton had stopped at the Quik N’ Go gas station at the 2300 block of North Grand Avenue when he saw the vehicle refueling at a nearby pump. According to the report, Denton had gotten off work early and was already intoxicated by midafternoon.  He had run out of supplies and had stopped to pick up Cheese Puffs and 24 cans of Natural Light. 

Denton allegedly entered the running vehicle and sped off while honking and yelling at pedestrians, “I’m the new king of rubber dicks and anal beads.”

The incident escalated as police tried to force the truck off the road.  Clearly agitated and ready to party, Denton began hurling sex toys from the windows and screaming obscenities.  At one point during the chase, Denton was on the roof of the truck, twirling a French Tickler above his head as the truck steered itself into oncoming traffic.  Six St. Louis County officers and three bystanders were stuck with vibrators and rushed to the hospital.  All are expected to make a full recovery. Police Commissioner David Schaumburg credits the officers for not allowing the incident to escalate.

“We had several cases of mushroom bruises and a few hurt egos but nothing to serious,” said Schaumburg.   “Even so, I don’t want to release the names of the victims until we’ve had a chance to contact their families.  With the number of rubber dicks being errantly hurled on a public roadway we were just concerned about public safety.  We feel we mobilized quickly and managed to avoid a tragic incident.  I hope this will help raise public awareness that we need to get these sex toys off the streets before something serious happens.”

The incident ended around 3pm after Denton stopped for more beer.  When officers tried to take him in to custody, Denton allegedly attacked them with a 13" prosthetic penis named the Kong.  One officer says that he had to use considerable force to stop Denton. 

 “The suspected stabbed me in the eye with a sizable fake penis.  We don’t receive any training for hand-to-rubber-dick-combat so I just used my Taser gun on the dumb son of a bitch.  He just kept screaming, ‘let me go! I have a wife with many needs.’  God, I hate drunk people."

Denton woke several hours later in custody. He says he doesn’t recall the incident but it doesn't seem out of character for him.

“Its tax season so I’m a little stressed out,” said Denton.  “I wouldn't put this past me.  I’ve been known to blow off some steam every now and again.”

The truck, now in police custody, was headed to an adult convention in Las Vegas, Nevada.  

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