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Thursday, December 19

Man Stuck on 3rd World of Original Super Mario Brothers for 27 Years Finally Finds Warp

St. Louis, MO: When Bryan Robbers first set his eyes on the Nintendo Entertainment system is 1986 he was in awe.  Bryan was 6 years old. He played for endless hours.  He beat Zelda in a few hours, he mastered Kung Fu like an expert.  Like many kids his age he was instantly hooked. 

"I was only 6 when I started but I remember feeling such a sense of accomplishment every time I'd finish a level or beat a game.  Then I my dad bought me a copy of that mind-fuck of a shit-hole game.  That thing was forged in hell and shit out of the ass of Satan himself."  

The game was Super Mario Brother.  It was the source of countless happy childhood memories for most children of the 80's.  Not for Bryan. For Bryan it was the instrument that drove him to the edge of insanity for nearly 3 decades.  His life spun into a spiral of frustrated depression and obsession.  Try as he might, Bryan could not make his way past World 3 of the classic video game.

"Level 3-1 can suck my ass.  The Hammer Brothers are impenetrable assassins. Those assholes would take all my lives.  Then if I'd manage to get to Bowser, that cocksucker would shoot a fireball up my ass.  Whoever designed that game was a flaming shithead.  I could have gone to college and had a real life but I couldn't let that rotten bastard beat me.  I did it.  I finally won."

Even at 6-years-old, he obsessed over every detail of the game. He'd sit at school and plan every jump and map out every level.  He carried this obsession into adulthood, hoping desperately to devise a plan that would eventually bring him the closure he'd been craving since before he could remember. Every waking minute was spent plotting and scheming. Failure just fueled his obsession. 

And that was his life for the next 27 years...until yesterday.

"Nobody told me there was a fucking warp!  I could have just gone right by the goddamn thing the whole time. What a pile of shit. I hope the guy that designed this game lost the use of his testicles in a hunting accident."

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