Fake News and Stuff

Thursday, January 9

Recreational Soccer Player Thinks he Still has Shot at Going Pro

St. Charles, MO: 34 year old recreation soccer player Ralph Manzelli is still clinging to hope of playing in World Cup. Manzelli has been limited to playing recreational sports since his college soccer career ended in 2001. Although he never made it off the practice squad, Mazelli feels his hard work in a local coed recreational soccer league over the past few years has paid off. 

"I slid and took that girls legs out," said Manzelli. "The sound of the bone cracking and the way her knee buckled made it look really painful. You may call me an asshole, but I saved a goal so I'm happy with my decision. I'm a born winner so not making that slide was not an option. They know the risks when they sign up to play against me."

Manzelli says he's been thinking about playing in the World Cup for years but doesn't think the time was right until now.

"I train hard, eat right. We've been dominating the upper bracket for so long that I'm just bored.  People tell me relax and that it's just a beer league but that's bullshit.  I go hard every play.  This isn't kindergarten finger painting."

"The time is right for a change.  I've been sending out my highlight reel.  It's only a matter of time until I get on with a pro club."

Manzelli's teammate, Maggie Harris, says that not everyone is so confident of Manzelli's skills.

"He treats every game like the World Cup.  He's the worst player on the team and everyone hates him.  He posts all over Facebook about how much he works out and how good he is at sports.  He's nothing but a huge flaming dickhead that takes tries to fight all the girls."

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