Fake News and Stuff

Friday, June 5

Caitlyn Jenner Story Causes Boom in Gender Reassignment Business

As Caitlyn Jenner’s story has stirred the national debate about gender roles and gender awareness, it seems that it has also caused something a little unexpected, the dramatic spike in people electing to have the surgery. It has gotten so busy in fact, that some doctors have been struggling to keep pace with all of the new requests.

Los Angles base Doctor Edmund Thompson says while it has been difficult to keep up with, he’s happy that he’s helped enrich so many people’s lives.  

 “I’m cutting down more wood than an Alaskan lumberjack,” said Doctor Thompson. “It makes me wonder what kind of business the doctors with real medical licenses are doing. No one wants to be a man anymore. Everyone knows that we’re all assholes. It’s been great for business. If you were ever thinking about it, now’s the time.

“For guys that may not be have been considering it, now might be the time to start thinking about having it done. You really don’t know how big of a pain in the ass your penis is until it’s not there anymore, then you’re like, ‘why didn’t I do this is the first place.’ It’s no worse than getting your tonsils removed and it will save you a lot of grief down the road.”

Emily from Manhattan elected to have the surgery almost right after watching the show. She says that life has been better in more ways than she expected.

“I’m over being a man,” she said. “I was tired of being treated as an equal in the workplace and being able to wear sweatpants to the grocery store without worrying about someone grabbing my ass. It’s my turn.”

This trend has even carried over for women looking to transition to men. Tammy from Burbank says she’d been thinking about the surgery for a long time, but it wasn’t until she saw Caitlyn Jenner’s interview with Diane Sawyer that she decided to finally take action.  

“I still wear women’s clothes and makeup and everything like that,” said Tammy. “I just wanted a penis because there was too much maintenance involved with a vagina. People that don’t have one really can’t understand that. Forget the bleeding for 7 days a months, try sitting down in a public restroom every time you’ve got to take a leak. It’s disgusting. I’ve effectively turned myself into a cross dressing man. My only complaint is that having a huge set of sweaty balls is more work than I signed up for.”

When asked if she had any regrets, Tammy says that her only regrets were having to tell her loved ones.

"Showing up one day with a huge throbbing wiener between my legs really scared the crap out of my boyfriend. I probably should have warned him about it beforehand, but I was afraid he was going to try to talk me out of it. He got over it pretty quick when I turned him over and showed him what I could do with my new handy, little appendage. He didn’t walk right for a while but he loved every minute of it.”

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