Fake News and Stuff

Monday, June 22

LAPD Cop car breaks down: Cop calls Uber

The popularity of Uber (an app/website-accessible hub that gives users access to a private, taxi-like system when they need a ride) has really surged in previous months.  This has provided a stream of revenue for Uber drivers, as well as given people the option to find rides at more affordable rates, and in vehicles whose interiors don't smell like a fat man's sweaty armpit on a hot summer day.

While Cab companies aren't too happy, Law Enforcement seems to be benefiting from this new innovation.  One example is Officer Jim T Bagger who, when responding to a domestic violence call, realized his car wouldn't start.

"I asked the other guys at the bar to give me a jump but they was all wasted.  I thought about public transportation, which even though hardly exists here in LA, would still allow me to get there faster than most domestic violence responses.  So I called Uber and got there in record time!"

After a full day of investigation, LAPD Internal Affairs finally determined that the problem with Officer Bagger's car was likely related to its empty fuel tank.

The 411 on 911

On a related note, 911 calls are apparently on the decline as more and more people in emergency situations actually contract Uber drivers, noting their much faster arrival.  We weren't able to get anyone from 911 on the record, as the operators kept yelling something about the number being for "emergencies only."  However, one operator finally mentioned that they were fine with Uber taking their calls, as they were sick of having their selfies and status updates interrupted by annoying people whining about home invasions.

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