Fake News and Stuff

Friday, June 2

World's Worst Band, Lizard Stick, Finally Announces Retirement

Legendary only for their determination, 70's country rock band Lizard Stick has finally announced they will retire in June at the end of their Nicaraguan tour. The band has sited that the breakup was due to lagging concert attendance as they have been forced to eat out of dumpsters to make ends meet.

At one point the band was considered a minor success.  They were best known for their single "Eat Her Out Until She Loves You or Don't Eat Her Out At All" which debuted at number 96 on the on the Billboard Top Country 100 in 1972. Unfortunately, their follow up single "I Love you and I'm Reaching Orgasm" was despised by critics and fans worldwide.  They were dropped from their record label but never gave up the hope that their style of country would strike a cord with listeners.  Since the mid 70's the band has released 327 albums and 1043 EPs, none of which sold more that 25 copies.  In the mid 90's they saw a bit of a resurgence as bassist, Christopher Morris, was arrested for selling weed to Snoop Dogg but quickly faded back into obscurity with the release of their single, "Hammering Down Whiskey 'til You're Good Enough to Cum On." 

"Artistically, I can definitely say I gave it my best shot," said front man Leroy Hollander. "Music has just changed drastically since we released our album 'I Promise Not to Slide it in on the Dance Floor' in '76.  It's time to move on. Plus, I got hep C. Now I have to find a job with health insurance."

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