Fake News and Stuff

Thursday, June 1

Nation's I.Q. Moves into Abysmal Levels; Experts Say America is Nearing Retardation

Albuquerque, New Mexico: Researchers for the New Mexico Institute of Cognitive Brain Science have published their annual report, outlining a year's worth of of research regrading higher level brain function and problem solving Skills. The study examined over 10,000 participants, and included a representative mix of all races, geographies and education levels. The test consisted of randomly generated logic tests, puzzles and basic knowledge questions. The results of the study show that the average national intelligence level has plummeted dramatically over the past year, and has now reached a critical level.

While the findings of the study surprised some, at least one top researcher says that participants actually outperformed expectations. Dr. Charles Wang says that he was expecting much worse.

"I can't say I was surprised, really," said Dr. Wang. "Things have been declining for years. Everyone that's been to a Walmart after ten o'clock or spent any time scrolling through a comment section on Facebook could see that. I don't know why everyone is so shocked."

Wang says that while the findings should be eye opening, it's important to keep the real issues in perspective.

"Being an idiot isn't as bad as it seems," said Wang. "As a rule of thumb, stupid people are actually much happier. Besides, there are still plenty of smart people put there. They're just being drowned out by hordes of flaming imbeciles. The real issue s that they all seem to be unrelenting assholes as well. Idiots used to just shut up and keep to themselves. Now they're just recruiting other assholes and taking over."

The study didn't go as far as to make any assertions about how to correct the issues with the nation's I.Q. Wang says that it's a more complex issue than people might think.

"I could say people should try reading more, but the problem with that is that most what people enjoy now are written by people who are just as dumb as they are. Take this website for example. Only a complete and utter idiot would enjoy this nonsense,"

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